Married people respond! - Page 2

Ben Kenobi · November 9, 2003, 19:56

I'm not married, so I'm going to shut up and listen.

Thanks for the thread, Paiktis. Your thoughts mirror mine.

Edit:

/me tosses rotten tomato at Striker.

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 19:59

I think a lot of marriages fail because people have unrealistic expectations.

Grandpa Troll · November 9, 2003, 20:10

Quote:

Originally posted by Alexander's Horse
I think a lot of marriages fail because people have unrealistic expectations.

I totally agree,

One Troll

2

another

TROLL

Peace

Grandpa Troll

Q Classic · November 9, 2003, 20:14

so far about marriage, from what i've observed, is that it helps to like the person you're marrying.

haven't got a clue about anything past that, other than children can often strain it to the breaking point, or bring 'em closer together.

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 20:19

"Like" is a good word because I don't even think you need to have a lot in common.

Mrs Horse and I have virtually nothing in common - except a sometimes unhealthy obsession with each other.

Ted Striker · November 9, 2003, 20:27

you 2 do it like rabbits

Provost Harrison · November 9, 2003, 20:30

Companionship. The one thing I crave.

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 20:32

Just remember, love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin.

Grandpa Troll · November 9, 2003, 20:36

Quote:

Originally posted by Q Cubed
so far about marriage, from what i've observed, is that it helps to like the person you're marrying.

haven't got a clue about anything past that, other than children can often strain it to the breaking point, or bring 'em closer together.

Yes it is essential that you "like" at a minimum...

One thing not touched on is RESPECT

I would say you should endeavor to Respect the other person, even when they may not quite do unto you as you would like.

Show them what they mean to you and it will further enhance your relationship.

Forgiveness

Lose your scorecards folks..

Love means never having to say your sorry..although it sure helps..

I found that it is best to not let the sun go down on your anger

Talk to one another..

air out your differences

agree-2-disagree

allow for communication..even when it hurts!

Peace

Grandpa Troll

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 20:49

Mrs Horse and I have been having some differences lately. Nothing unusual.

I told her what I missed was being the best of friends. I reminded her of how we once spent all our time together. She took that thought on board and things got better. The thing we are disagreeing about is still there though. It will be for quite some time I suspect.

Something children don't realise is that their parents can have differences which take a long time to work through, months or years, sometimes decades. Some things never get patched up. You just have to move on, put it aside.

The good thing about children is there is always something happening in their lives to take your mind off your troubles.

Q Classic · November 9, 2003, 21:12

from what i've seen of marriages that work, it also helps to not kill each other. it's hard to be happy in a marriage when one person ends up face down and floating in a river... or aflame... but on the other end, when one person keeps feeling they're shat upon.

Skanky Burns · November 9, 2003, 21:19

I know that communication is important.
Such that when there are problems in the relationship and one partner asks the other what is wrong, her answer should not continuously be "everything is fine".

ghen · November 9, 2003, 21:27

Question :: When my fiancee says 'everything is fine.' or something to that affect, I usually pry and pry until I find out what went wrong (usually something I did or she thinks I did) and then I try to fix that thing. Its just the way I am, I can't let things just float along. Is this the right approach or should I let it brood until she wants to talk?

Grandpa Troll · November 9, 2003, 21:32

Quote:

Originally posted by ghen
Question :: When my fiancee says 'everything is fine.' or something to that affect, I usually pry and pry until I find out what went wrong (usually something I did or she thinks I did) and then I try to fix that thing. Its just the way I am, I can't let things just float along. Is this the right approach or should I let it brood until she wants to talk?

$1,000,000.00 Question

I say be patient , give her a little time but get down on your knees , be sincere and tell her that you Love her and just want to be all she needs and wants...thi is..IF you actually feel this way..because she, like you, is somewhat vulnerable when hurting and thus even moreso defensive..

Be Honest

Be Kind

Be Sincere

Peace

Grandpa Troll

Q Classic · November 9, 2003, 21:37

sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix her problems for her.

Grandpa Troll · November 9, 2003, 22:11

Quote:

Originally posted by Q Cubed
sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix her problems for her.

Exactly!

Sometimes she merely wants to know your there and you care!

Hey..Go figure what makes a man and a woman tick and make Ka-Zillions of Big Bucks!!

Peace

Grandpa Troll

Sikander · November 9, 2003, 23:16

Quote:

Originally posted by paiktis22
So which is better for a "wife"?

A girl with which you can connect, are in the same "wave length", she understands you and you understand her, she can piss you off at times as you her, but what happens is you can both feel/connect with eachother. She is your soul mate so to speak, you are the "same" kind, even if there are a lot of problems.

Or.

A girl who is nice, polite, stable, sincere, you know that she'd make a good "wife" for your household but with which you can't really say you connect. You'll have a "symbatic?" relationship, a compromised relationship/life. 'Cause she can't follow your emotions/thoughts/state of mind/way of thinking. But she has the other "virtues" and potentiality for being the "perfect" wife. But she can't "feel" your soul.

Forgive my english they are insufficient to explain what I mean but I hope you get the gist.

Non married people welcomed to respond too but I'm basically waiting for married people's answers, assuming you don't have ypour wife looking over your shoulder and you can respond freely. Just wondering because you've already made that choice, if you came across it.

After a couple of decades of soul mates I finally found out the secret for success for me. Go with someone who doesn't relate to all of your sh!t because they also aren't limited by those same issues. Once I did this the long term relationship that I had been trying to put together for years (in between bouts of extreme promiscuity) just fell into my lap. I've been with her for six years now.

I found that for me the soul mate type (intensely wonderful as they were) were simply triggering responses in me that were ancient and not particularly healthy for growth, which a long term relationship must at least sustain if not nurture. At my age (42 these days) I need to move on past the disasters that make up a large part of my childhood and early adulthood, and it's hard to do that with someone who has a similar past. When I need that I have a whole list of close friends (many of whom were soul mates at one time or another) who know the drill.

Berzerker · November 9, 2003, 23:31

Well, I'm no longer married but the answer is obvious - SOUL MATE! If she can't "feel your soul", she lacks the potential of being the "perfect wife". Looks are nice, but personality is key to a longlasting relationship. Unless you're very weird, you won't be happy married to the most beautiful woman in the world if she pisses you off except when you're in the sack.

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 23:50

Quote:

Originally posted by Skanky Burns
I know that communication is important.

I disagree - in the sense that your missus may be ready to divorce you one night but if you leave it alone she's already forgotten about it by the next night

Skanky Burns · November 9, 2003, 23:53

I meant over the long term - as in it would possibly be nice to know what general direction she wants the relationship to go in, or to find out she isn't happy with something before she breaks up with me. Or cheats on me, for that matter.

I would have liked to know more intimate details about her after 5 years with her than to sum up my knowledge of her as "she likes dogs and the colour purple". That is the sum of what I know about her, and you can't sustain a relationship on that miniscule level of intimacy.

Alexander's Horse · November 9, 2003, 23:59

Quote:

Originally posted by Skanky Burns
I meant over the long term - as in it would possibly be nice to know what general direction she wants the relationship to go in

Forget it - women are subject to surging hormones. That claptrap that comes out of their mouth means nothing - pay no attention to it

Sikander · November 10, 2003, 00:09

Quote:

Originally posted by Ted Striker
does Greece recognize same sex marriages though?

I thought that they hadn't recognized heterosexual marriages yet.

Jon Miller · November 10, 2003, 02:29

from the looks of things I will take the first girl who will have me

if you can do otherwise pick the person who you are in love with

Jon Miller

Ned · November 10, 2003, 03:28

Marry a woman who is like Mom and of whom your Mom approves.

Jon Miller · November 10, 2003, 03:48

that just seems incestual to me

but a lot of people do it

I don't want to do it

I love my mom, but I deffinitely don't want to marry anyone like her

Jon Miller

Mr. Harley · November 10, 2003, 04:13

Having read this thread I will share with you what works, mostly, sort of, after 13 years. Relationships are often that way, and marraige is the one of the biggest (throw in God, parents, and children and I guess you've got all the big ones).

My wife and I have had some really wonderful times. We've also had some really rought times, both coming from that great American tradition, the dysfunctional family. Even better yet, they were dysfuntional in totally different, and I do mean TOTALLY, different ways. Yet we've just had a little girl, who is eight months old, who is an absolutely charming, stubborn, and social baby. God has a sense of humor. Humor may not be crucial in a marraige, but it sure helps.

Let's see, love is good. Trust is critically important. Something in common, things to share, compatability, communication, etc. I think Papa Troll has said it best in nice short lists. Here's my typically long winded look at it in a little more detail. For those like Papa Troll he doesn't need the ramble. If you are clueless, I hope this fills in some of the details.

Feelings. Connection. Number one. Otherwise, whats the point? I'm very cautious of using the word love, because so many of us have different definitions. Once on an NPR (National Public Radio for those of you not in the USA) show concerning love I called in and actually got on. I surprised the host, nicely I might add, when I said "Love is always having the other person on the edge of your thoughts." Please note edge, not centered. I believe that is obsession. Havne't they done some movies on that?

So being in love with your potential mate is a REALLY good idea. Then there're your personal quirks and desires. DON'T minimize them. If you are a real neat freak, like one of my sisters, make sure you marry a person who is at least clean. If you are a PETA type and they are a hunter, you are both off to a bad start. Don't lie to yourself and say that you really don't mind when you do. Been there, done that. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the person who is going to go through either 1) your BS or 2) try to change because they love you. You want kids, they don't. Similar problem. Me, I cannot feel any kind of physical attraction (friend is fine) when someone is morbidly obese (call it 300 lbs - 140 kg roughtly). It's my problem, and I don't try to shove it down some other person's throat. Other than that, I really like a lady who smiles a lot. Smiles really do last forever.

Common interests, the flip side of the quirk element, are helpful. You can build on a small area of common interests and let each of you introduce the other to the activities and things they like. If you have a total lack of common interests except sex, movies, and meals you probably shouldn't stay in the relationship, actually you probably shouldn't go on a repeat date. I did that, once, and stayed in the relationship too long. Like many more than one date. Not exactly my most brilliant moment, but I learned from it and didn't repeat it.

Good faith negotiating. This includes four traits together. It's really tough to find. It's not absolutely necessary for a marraige to work, but I get the impression the point here is to get something a little bit more than that.

Good faith negotiating starts with honesty on both sides (you must be honest with yourself, often the hardest of all - if you lie to yourself, you almost have to lie to your spouse). You cannot have good honest negotiation unless both sides are honest and upfront about why they are negotiating, and what they want out of it. Please understand what is often called negotiating in the real world is actually non-armed conflict according to some set of rules. I'm talking about what you need for a marraige to really work well.

Communication is critical! Many other posters here have commented on this. Simply put, you cannot negotiate without communicating. Period.

Next, compromise. If you don't intend to compromise, then you were not negotiating in good faith anyway. Even if you just say "We agree to disagree" (which I have done in my own marraige) it's a start. Though you need to be honest (see the first item) if you are just avoiding the problem, or is this something you can keep to. Back to the PETA/hunter example, I have met very few PETA types being able to say that to someone engaged in hunting, though there has to be the exception out there somewhere.

Last, and I've seen a bunch of relationships have problems, even come unglued over this, is follow through. DON'T negotiate and then not get around to it. You'd be better off not talking about it in the first place. It will poison trust, which is also critical. No trust, and your marraige is over. You may not know it yet, but unless you recognize the issue and deal with it quickly, you'll end up divorced. Probably in a fairly nasty and spiteful one, too. I've never been through one, but I've seen too many friends have their marriages break up over the trust issue.

An aquaintence, an almost friend I once knew, told me that you build up a reserve of credibility in relationships. If you need to spend it, and you've never built it up, or even worse, you've put yourself into a deficit, then you are in trouble. While the reserves you build up in a healthy marraige are not exactly credibility, they definitely share's traits with that and honesty, too. Don't take this analogy too far. If you end up engaged in strict accounting in who has built up what in your marriage, you are headed for trouble. In a good marriage you aren't "keeping track," and if you find yourself doing that, you need to figure out why. If you don't, the underlying problem will grow and gnaw at the foundations of your relationship.

If you try hard to listen, try hard to do you best, and sweat the little things, do the little things that you know the other person appreciates, then when the big problems hit it will give you some of that reserve. There may be a few married people reading this who have never gone through that, but I'll bet the rest of you know what I mean. This last part is more of advice for after Paiktis22 gets married, but I'll leave that to someone else to post. I suspect I've rambled enough for one post. After five graveyard shifts my mind is sort of fried. Good night.

Drogue · November 10, 2003, 19:27

Quote:

Originally posted by Alexander's Horse

Does being unmarried make my opinion obsolete? Why does a contract on love matter so much? I think friendship is important, however you cannot have a romantic relationship without affection or emotion. Then it would just be a friendship. Sure, you need a friendship to make it last, but without any emtions there, it wouldn't ever start. That's not to say friendship is not important, merely that on its own, it wouldn't be enough.

Bereta_Eder · November 10, 2003, 19:32

Well thank you for your input, I wasn't really looking for advices on how to comporte myself, although, all we hear, it' useful, but hardcore decisions on yes or no from people who grasp the precise "dilema" or simply question/wondering. I see Sikander is one of them and the one who disagrees with what the others who also grasped it are saying. Noted as well.

Shogun Gunner · November 10, 2003, 20:44

No matter what you get, you will be unsatisfied with something later - both the man and the woman.

Marriage is a difficult tradition. The only reason it survives is that no one can come up with a better system of raising kids.

Q Classic · November 10, 2003, 21:04

sure! turn them into pod people and use 'em as batteries until they reach maturity.