You know you've seen too much internet porn when...

Bugs ****ing Bunny · January 8, 2004, 18:22

Your girlfriend's surname is ".jpg".

Like John Ruskin and those other Victorians deceived by Classical art, you are firmly convinced that women have no pubic hair.

You find yourself checking if you screen cleaner will shift semen.

You have the embossed markings of your keybord endented in your face from falling asleep on it.

As far as you are aware, conception occurs via the mouth and face.

In a game of "Scrabble" you find yourself attempting to hit a triple word score with "bukkake".

You're starting to worry about the fact that your penis doesn't reach your knee.

You're giving serious thought to getting yourself a scrotal waxing.

There are a few things you find utterly unable to comprehend- infinity, your own mortality and the sight of a naked woman over the age of 30.

Women always and inevitably climax. They usually do this several times before the man has even broken into a sweat.

You think lesbians are the best-looking women and most feminine women.

You think lesbianism was impossible in the past, and only became achievable with the invention of the double-ended silicone dildo.

You think the missionary position is a bit pervy and should only be carried out by trained professionals.

As far as you are aware, no sexual act has ever taken place underneath a duvet, or with the lights off.

You're willing to stake serious money that whenever lesbians kiss, they do so by touching tongues while both staring off in the same direction as if gazing longingly at some unseen third party.

You consider that it would be extremely rude to consider the sexual act to be complete before the Double Penetration.

The thought of doing a DP, and having another man's sac gently rubbing aginst your own, doesn't make you shudder and go "Brrrr...." whilst shaking your head.

You find yourself helpless with laughter on hearing that some people actually have a complete sexual encounter without changing position at least twice.

It comes as something of a surprise to you when you discover that Asian women occasionally wear clothes. And refuse to go anywhere near your gonads without a parentally-approved marriage.

You wonder why no position in the "Kama Sutra" features a swivelling office chair.

Your homepage requires AVS details.

Agathon · January 8, 2004, 18:27

Quote:

Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp

Like John Ruskin and those other Victorians deceived by Classical art, you are firmly convinced that women have no pubic hair.

I still laugh about this. Imagine his fright.

Arrian · January 8, 2004, 18:28

Quote:

You find yourself helpless with laughter on hearing that some people actually have a complete sexual encounter without changing position at least twice.

Japher · January 8, 2004, 18:30

you call it pron.

OzzyKP · January 8, 2004, 18:34

Ramo · January 8, 2004, 18:39

Stefu · January 8, 2004, 18:41

You see nothing strange about ejaculating to a video clip which basically shows a man ****ing his penis and a small part of a female face.

reds4ever · January 8, 2004, 18:44

....even though you're right handed, you can operate a mouse more accurately with your left

Pekka · January 8, 2004, 19:12

when you try to save a picture and have to rename it because you already have 01.jpg, and just type wildly 235sdf4.jpg... and you still need to rename it again.

Pekka · January 8, 2004, 19:20

when you see 79 picture series and know for a fact, that 2 pictures are missing and you know what they are.

The Andy-Man · January 8, 2004, 19:26

when you think that lesbians have no imagination whatsoever, and when ever they have sex things will inevitabley lead to one going down on the other, and nothing else.

mrmitchell · January 8, 2004, 19:33

Quote:

when you try to save a picture and have to rename it because you already have 01.jpg, and just type wildly 235sdf4.jpg... and you still need to rename it again.

This happened to me, folks. True story! Tried 01.jpg to no avail, then attempted e149.jpg. And goddamnit it was used! Eventually settled on ZZZ9ZZZ9ZZZ9.jpg.

Pekka · January 8, 2004, 19:40

mrmitchell, how do you think I came up with that? Sure, my friend told me.. or not!

C0ckney · January 8, 2004, 21:22

@ everyone so far

i wish i could add to this list but browsing for porn on a 28k modem just isn't worth it :/

St Leo · January 8, 2004, 21:25

Quote:

Originally posted by reds4ever
....even though you're right handed, you can operate a mouse more accurately with your left

I'm right-handed and my right hand is always on the mouse...

Pekka · January 8, 2004, 21:42

What is this thread anyway.. it's like saying 'you know you have too much money when.. ' or 'you know when you're too good looking when.. ' or 'you know you have drink enough booze when..' .. the simple answer is.. NEVER!MOORE NOW!

reds4ever · January 8, 2004, 21:45

Quote:

Originally posted by St Leo

I'm right-handed and my right hand is always on the mouse...

Your left is working the butt plug?

Skanky Burns · January 8, 2004, 22:05

Great stuff, Laz

Alex · January 8, 2004, 22:40

yep, good thread...

Dauphin · January 8, 2004, 23:19

Quote:

Originally posted by C0ckney

@ everyone so far

i wish i could add to this list but browsing for porn on a 28k modem just isn't worth it :/

Its not what you got, its how you use it.

Lung · January 9, 2004, 00:08

Quote:

Originally posted by St Leo

I'm right-handed and my right hand is always on the mouse...

All the easier to imagine someone else is doing it for you

Flip McWho · January 9, 2004, 00:59

Excellant thread.

Drake Tungsten · January 9, 2004, 01:12

Quote:

In a game of "Scrabble" you find yourself attempting to hit a triple word score with "bukkake".

****ing classic.

Alexander's Horse · January 9, 2004, 01:37

your my documents tab lists no documents

Seeker · January 9, 2004, 03:07

...You've been so incredibly jaded by internet porn that most porn is simply background noise or grounds for critique.

...Your roommate has such a constant stream of porn playing that your crowd doesn't even register it anymore, so that when guests ask why you have porn playing, it takes you a while to realize that they consider something so 'tame' to you to be pornographic.

..quoth 'Kids': "Oral Sex is so.....basic"

...you're having real sex and thinking to yourself 'this is so much better in movies'

....you're having real sex and thinking that you could each do a better job if you did it yourselves.....and you seriously suggest this..

....you make video of yourself having real sex and use it later, find it more erotic than the actual sex...

.....you make video of yourself using internet porn and find it more erotic than watching people have sex...

....you've been doing this for years and years without deleting, so that one day you are arrested for having child porn of yourself by accident....(possibly the most pathetic thing I can imagine).

Berzerker · January 9, 2004, 03:23

Quote:

In a game of "Scrabble" you find yourself attempting to hit a triple word score with "bukkake".

C-SPAN had an anthropologist or related professional on and a crank caller asked the guest if he had ever heard of the "Bukkake Indians" and their practice of covering their faces with a creamy white lotion. You could see the guy start to snicker and then denied ever hearing of them... The C-SPAN host just let the caller go on and on about what these Bukkake Indians do without realising he was a crank yanker. He had me ROTFLMAO

Sikander · January 9, 2004, 05:46

Quote:

Originally posted by Pekka
when you try to save a picture and have to rename it because you already have 01.jpg, and just type wildly 235sdf4.jpg... and you still need to rename it again.