The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

[The Mad Monk]

http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

edit: thanks to MDA from counterglow!

[Ted Striker]

[Skanky Burns]

[ravagon]

My favourites -


Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

[loinburger]

Classic.

[Space05us]

[Ramo]

Very nice.

[Nubclear]

Er, I'm not finding the humour in this.

[debeest]

The only real humor is the suggestion that one person might have tried all these things.

[Skanky Burns]

Well duh.

[Kingof the Apes]

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.


146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

Great stuff!

[Tingkai]

The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

[Mr. Harley]

72. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

The man is priceless, and inspired.

[Chemical Ollie]

Reminds me of my buddy who was on 6 UN peacekeeping missions. He tried numerous things on the list, or similar stunts.

[Sikander]

7: Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

16: Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

29: The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

64: Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

210: Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

[KrazyHorse]

Originally posted by Sikander
7: Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

[Chemical Ollie]

Isn't there a Darwin award nomination for things like these:

22. Must never call an SAS a '****er'.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

I made a similar list that would apply to my buddy. These were the things I came up with out of my mind, but if I ask him, he could probably make a list as long as that Schwartz guy:

1. Don’t tell younger but superior officers that ”as a veteran, I only accept orders that are given in a humble tone”
2. Don’t put cement blocks in your buddie’s backpack before a march
3. Don’t write “This PC has been touched by my genitals” on the screen saver
4. Don’t put tennis balls in your buddie’s backpack before the custom’s drug detection dog is about to sniff it (as tennis balls are used to train those dogs)
5. Don’t ask Lebanese weapons dealers to get you a Merkava tank
6. Don’t make funny imitations of celebrity war reporters over the public loudspeaker system while they are guests of your camp
7. Don’t imitate pigs, donkeys, hippopotamus, seals, or other animals as a morning wakeup call over the public loudspeaker system
8. Don’t broadcast highly pornographic gay humour recordings as a morning wakeup call over the public loudspeaker system
9. The official Swedish Army morning wakeup call music should be used at least once during a 6-month mission
10. Don’t wear the 60’s “India Mission Uniform” when the rest of the battalion wear the M/90
11. Don’t put your genitals in your squad leaders’ ear while she is crying of home sickness
12. Black shoeshine in your face does not automatically give you authorization to enter the Ghana officer’s mess to get a few more drinks after your own mess has closed
13. Don’t sneak into the guest barracks late at night to take nude celebrity pictures of visiting female field artists
14. While taking nude celebrity pictures of a sleeping female field artist, don’t remove her boyfriend’s arm from her breast to get a better view
15. Don’t show 13-14 to your buddies at home
16. Don’t take pictures of a fellow soldier who faded out drunk while two other soldiers put their genitals in his mouth
17. Don’t post an enlargement of 16 in the cantina with the added text “My mouth - your toilet”
18. Don’t tell perverted holocaust jokes to civilians in Tel Aviv
19. When hitting on a girl at a bar in Haifa, telling her that your civilian job is to “gas animals to death” will not make you score, even if it’s true
20. An inflatable sheep sex toy is not an appropriate barrel protection cap for the automatic cannon of your APC.
21. An inflatable sheep sex toy is not an appropriate gift to a kindergarten
22. Cat food is not for human consumption
23. Neither is hair styling gel
24. Don’t bring home live HE-ammo souvenirs above 12 mm caliber

[Cruddy]

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
Isn't there a Darwin award nomination for things like these:


I made a similar list that would apply to my buddy. These were the things I came up with out of my mind, but if I ask him, he could probably make a list as long as that Schwartz guy:

1. Don’t tell younger but superior officers that ”as a veteran, I only accept orders that are given in a humble tone”

Will get you busted unless in a relevent situation.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
2. Don’t put cement blocks in your buddie’s backpack before a march

This is actually a valid training tool. However, leave it to the instructors, eh?

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
3. Don’t write “This PC has been touched by my genitals” on the screen saver

Why? What's the problem? Would you rather people didn't know the truth?

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie

4. Don’t put tennis balls in your buddie’s backpack before the custom’s drug detection dog is about to sniff it (as tennis balls are used to train those dogs)

This kind of implies that, while a tennis ball is a bad idea, it's ok to keep your stash of drugs in your buddy's backpack.
I mean, what are the MPs gonna do? Charge him with possession of a tennis ball?

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
5. Don’t ask Lebanese weapons dealers to get you a Merkava tank

Unless, of course, you are an Israeli soldier who has recently had his tank stolen.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
6. Don’t make funny imitations of celebrity war reporters over the public loudspeaker system while they are guests of your camp.

Celebrity war reporters? That kind of suggests I'm in a war zone - and if I am, I'll take the pi55 out of any civilian lucky enough to be out of the way. If they can't take a joke they shouldn't be there.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
7. Don’t imitate pigs, donkeys, hippopotamus, seals, or other animals as a morning wakeup call over the public loudspeaker system

So, whales and other sea mammals are OK to imitate?

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
8. Don’t broadcast highly pornographic gay humour recordings as a morning wakeup call over the public loudspeaker system

Will get you busted (unless you are actually a comedien employed to entertain the troops, in which case you will just get your jaw broken).

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
9. The official Swedish Army morning wakeup call music should be used at least once during a 6-month mission

I'll take your word for this.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
10. Don’t wear the 60’s “India Mission Uniform” when the rest of the battalion wear the M/90

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
11. Don’t put your genitals in your squad leaders’ ear while she is crying of home sickness

Unless, of course, she orders you to do this.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
12. Black shoeshine in your face does not automatically give you authorization to enter the Ghana officer’s mess to get a few more drinks after your own mess has closed

Entering any mess not your own without an invitation will get you punished, from a simple fine up to a firing squad.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
13. Don’t sneak into the guest barracks late at night to take nude celebrity pictures of visiting female field artists

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!!! EVERYONE does this.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
14. While taking nude celebrity pictures of a sleeping female field artist, don’t remove her boyfriend’s arm from her breast to get a better view

AHhhh....

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
15. Don’t show 13-14 to your buddies at home

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
16. Don’t take pictures of a fellow soldier who faded out drunk while two other soldiers put their genitals in his mouth

You mean you do this in secret? Where's the fun in that? So long as no faces are in shot it's OK...

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
17. Don’t post an enlargement of 16 in the cantina with the added text “My mouth - your toilet”

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
18. Don’t tell perverted holocaust jokes to civilians in Tel Aviv

Unless they're not Jewish, which can be ticklish to ascertain first.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
19. When hitting on a girl at a bar in Haifa, telling her that your civilian job is to “gas animals to death” will not make you score, even if it’s true

Depends what her interests are really... but it's unlikely to get you laid...

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
20. An inflatable sheep sex toy is not an appropriate barrel protection cap for the automatic cannon of your APC.

No, but it's more portable than the inflatable camel.

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
21. An inflatable sheep sex toy is not an appropriate gift to a kindergarten

...I'll not argue with you on this...

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
22. Cat food is not for human consumption

How can you tell without trying???

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
23. Neither is hair styling gel.

Ditto

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
24. Don’t bring home live HE-ammo souvenirs above 12 mm caliber

Don't carry live HE rounds of any calibre, unless you are prepared for them to go bang.

[Chemical Ollie]

Someone should PM this thread to Stefu. He might need these advice.

[The Mad Monk]

Hmmm...no.

[The Emperor Fabulous]

"I am not the athiest chaplain"