The Empire of Talianna

[Nylan-Nolan]

Hello. Firt of all, I registered recently and think that Apolyton is a great site. I just wrote the first chapter of a story and I would like to get some feedback. Sonce this is my first story ever, I would like to get some tips. Please post your questions, comments, and suggestions. Here we go!

Chaper I: Ill news:

Shadimar was at his desk reading his domestic report when Gerlich, his military advisor, burst through his office doors. His face was ghostly white, and he looked as if he had seen his wife die before his eyes. “Sire!” he said, “It’s finally happened! The Mongols have declared war on us!”
“Funny,” replied the king of Talianna, “I thought that they would have led a surprise attack against us, the way they did last time, instead of formally declaring war...” He sighed. “Well, there is no point in pretending we didn’t see this coming. Squire, tell the stable boy to ready my horse, and send a runner to Persopolis requesting immediate action against the Mongols.” The son of the second most powerful Duke in Talianna scuttled off to deliver his message. “I hope the Persians are still willing to honor our old alliance, for we are going to need help if we plan on waging war with the strongest-…no…second strongest nation in the world.”
“My lord, you seem a bit unconcerned about this war. It has the potential to destroy our whole nation!”
“Well Lothar, as I said before, we knew this war was coming. I’ve thought about it, and we have no alternatives. Ever since our great crusades into Europe, the Kahn has become more and more disdainful of our nation. France and Russia were Mongolia’s greatest allies, you know. When we claimed Europe as our own, the Mongol’s list of allies thinned down to that pathetic little island nation of Japon…Japhan…whatever it is. Those little people are obsessed with their stories about ‘The New World’ and how wonderful it is. They even claim to be allies with a nation of ‘Aztecs’. Crazy talk, if you ask me…well, I’m wandering away from the subject…where was I?”
“You were talking about our relations with Mongolia, your honor.”
“Lothar, we aren’t in public, you can call me by name.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Lothar…”
“I’m sorry Shad, I…it’s just…we haven’t had time to talk in a while, in private, I mean, and I’m used to calling you by title. We haven’t had a good long talk since the days when we used to sneak out at night and pull pranks on the townsfolk.”
“Ah, the good old days…I miss those carefree times, when our only enemy was France. You know, it seemed like the French were too far away to bother us back then. How wrong we were. When my father, King Nolan, may he rest in peace, was assassinated by those fanatical dogs, and I ascended to the throne at the tender age of eighteen, I made some unwise choices. If it weren’t for Persia…I’m wandering off again, aren’t I? Anyway, my point is that this war was predicable and destined to occur. The fate of Talianna rests upon a knife edge. If I don’t drive out the Mongols, for I’m sure they will come, and take the fight to their lands, we are doomed. There can be only one survivor of this war, and I will personally see to it that the Empire of Talianna is that survivor.” With that, King Shadimar left his private study and headed to the stables. He needed to personally deliver the message to Knight-General Jevin that war would soon engulf the known world in fire and chaos. The world was about to change…drastically. If he made one bad decision, the fate of the Western realm would be sealed.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Hi Nylan-Nolan,

Welcome to Apolyton and the civ3 stories section

Its always good to see new blood arrive and try their hand at posting a story. I have seen you post in a few other threads recently.

Dont worry too much about meeting any grade or standard, we are all learning to be better writers here and certainly we all appreciate the time and effort that you have made to share with us your first story.

One piece of advice I would give you straight off is to space your work out more, many people find it difficult to follow the stories here if the text is all bunched together.

I will let you get more done before I comment any further, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. Nice opener though, keep up the good work

[Nylan-Nolan]

Thanks for the advice, Chrisius. I will space out my next chapter. It should be ready soon.

P.S. Iv'e been a CFC member for about a month now, and that's where I heard about Apolyton. Great site!

[SKILORD]

It looks quite promising.

Yes, very promising.

[unscratchedfoot]

Nylon man,

This is more riveting than a rivet! A true wingdinger of a story.

May the empire of taliban rule forever!

[Nylan-Nolan]

Okay, here is chapter two. I (personnaly) don't think that it's as good as chapterI but I suppost that's opinionative.

Chapter 2: The War Acadamy
As he rode into the Great War Academy of the city of Talianna, Shadimar realized that Knight-General Jevin must have already heard the news. Weapons were being readied, and companies were forming up in the main courtyard. As the King passed, men turned and saluted, and then immediately went back to working without a second glance. A stable boy took his horse and led it to the stables while Shadimar continued on foot.

There are a few things that must be understood about customs in Talianna. Because the king spends so much time with the public, many townspeople know him personally. Colby was no exception. He was a cadet at the academy and a good friend of Jevin. “Shadimar!” the fifteen year old archery cadet exclaimed as he ran towards his royal highness. “Have you heard the news?”

“Yes” came the answer as the King turned the corner. “I came to talk with Jevin. I have plans him about way to end the war quickly, I hope.”

“You won’t find him in his study. He’s down in the armory sorting through all the old weapons. We seem to be running short as of late.”

“No doubt thanks to you. You are the worst shot this side of Daar.”

“Well yeah…but I’m getting better!”

“That’s a comfort. I’m amazed that you haven’t skewered anyone yet. Are you sure that you don’t want to be a swordsman?”

“No way, I just don’t want to have to get that close to anyone. Too risky.”

“Not nearly as risky as putting you in the back of an archery squad. You might take out the whole regiment. Ah, here we are.”

Shadimar pulled open the door to the armory and stepped inside. “Wow Jevin, you really need to clean this place up. There’s dust and grime everywhere.”

“I know.” Answered a voice from the next room. “We haven’t had to fight a war in a long time, thank the light.”

“Well, we do now.” Shadimar said as he joined Jevin in the adjacent room. He was putting weapons in barrels while the younger cadets carried the weapons out of the armory to some unknown destination. “I see that you have heard the ill news, for why else would your men be sharpening weapons and reporting to the main courtyard for orders?”
“Oh shoot! I forgot about that. I need to go change out of these work rags and into my uniform for the formal report of war.” With that, Jevin hurried out of the armory. Shadimar heard his footsteps grow faint, then get louder again.” A much less panicked Jevin stuck his head through the doorway. “Um...your highness…was there something you wanted to tell me? I know you wouldn’t just come here to tell me that we were at war. Besides, I sent the messenger to the Palace.”

“I wanted to talk to you about the war strategy we are going to use against the Mongols.”

“Oh right. Would your Excellency mind if that wait until the declaration of war is announced? I mean, even though everyone already knows, by royal decree, as you know all too well, I still have to tell the cadets. I’m late as it is.”

“I don’t mind,” replied Shadimar. “I’ll be in your office when you finish.”

“Thank you, my Lord. May the light bless you with a long life and reign.”

“I don’t think that a long reign is really a blessing…more like a curse…but anyway, no thanks needed. I will be in your office.”

With that, The King of Talianna mounted the steps to the tallest tower of the War Academy, while Knight-General Jevin of the Armies of the Kingdom headed to the main courtyard to tell the good citizens of his beloved country that it was going to war.

P.S. Thanks to Skilord, Scratch, and Chrisus for the advice and compliments. Please feel free to advise my on anything.

[SKILORD]

Alright, I'll give you some advice.

Dialouge is good, and you don't do a bad job with it (That comes with mileage, so just keep practicing it and you figure it out for yourself) but you need more descriptions with it and more frequent references to the speaker.

The way you have it right now its easy to loose track of who's speaking, just add in a little more "said Jevin" and then describe his actions as he says whatever he says. That'll help you out a lot.

It's good, It is good.

Keep it up.

[Nylan-Nolan]

Thanks man, I'll keep that in mind. After the story is finished I will go back and edit everything. After that i'll post a final version here and maybe on CFC. Thanks again.

[Mountain Sage]

Shadimar, eh?
Is he also a wizard?
And Colby, only a cadet this time?

[Nylan-Nolan]

I see I have found a fellow Renashai. I'm bad at making up names, so I collected some from other books (They will be changed if this is ever published, which I doubt.)

I suppose I should give you guys a little geography info about the game I played that this is based on. World map, normal starting positions, I started in Greece, because my civ was Greece with a different name. (Talianna, obviously.) That should keep you from getting confused.

P.S. I just joined the writing guild!

[Nylan-Nolan]

Okay, here is chapter three. It's short, but it has a good ending.

Chapter three: Discoveries

“Curses!” Shadimar exclaimed as he paced his throne room floor. “A thousand curses! How could Xerxies do this to me? In our hour of greatest need, Persia has not only refused to aid us against Mongolia, they have taken sides with our enemy! They shall pay for this act of betrayal!”

Lothar watched the King thunder up and down the royal carpet. Shadimar was red in the face, and was in the worst mood he had ever been in since…ever. He watched the stockily built King pace back and forth. His leathers swayed from side to side as he thunder around the room. “Wow, Shad sure looks different when he gets mad.” He thought to himself as he studied the royal features. Sweat was now dripping off the King’s slightly bulbous nose. His high cheekbones and set jaw, made him look arrogant. Even more so when he was infuriated. Shadimar’s deep blue eyes seemed to burn with the wildfires of Africa. Never had Lothar ever seen his King look so dangerous.

“You know,” the he said, “The Mongols probably had this planned the whole time. That would explain the absence of a sneak attack.”

“Of course!” the King replied, “Because if they had attacked us, Persia would have come to our aid! They had to declare war formally so that they would have tome to bribe the Persians before bloodshed!”

“That could be it, sire…so…what are we going to do about it?” queried Lothar.

“Simple,” Shadimar began, “Our forces in the North will sweep down upon the Mongol/Persian border. While that happens, we shall strike Persia hard on its western front (the border they share with us), and push straight for Persopolis. After we finish with Persia-”

Just then Ryba walked in. She was the Scientific Advisor to the King. “Sire!” she said, “Our Sooth Sayers have discovered Gunpowder! And as if that weren’t enough, we discovered saltpeter, a vital ingredient, in three places on our territory that already have roads!”

“That’s perfect!” Shadimar exclaimed as he ran over and hugged Ryba. Not only was she his science advisor, she was his consort. “Lothar,” he said as he turned to his old friend, “Call in our attack force near the Persian border. We need to equip them with guns, so that we may show Xerxies and the Kahn that we are a force to be reckoned with!” He chuckled gleefully. “Thank the Light, we are saved from an awful fate.”

A squire walked in and whispered something in Lothar’s ear. “Not just yet, my friend and King, the Mongols have arrived.”

[SKILORD]

One more note:

not so much 'as he' vary the verb tense (while keeping it consistent) i.e.: Shadmir exclaimed, running over to hug Ryba.

Looks good, though. You're already getting a lot better, It took me several stories before I started to be decent at this whole thing.

[Nylan-Nolan]

Thanks. I learn fast. I'll keep that advice in mind, critique!

(Just kidding)

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Nice stuff this Nylan, keep it coming.

You asked for advice on anything ?

Well never eat yellow snow,

[Nylan-Nolan]

Hehe, I'll keep that in mind.

[Nylan-Nolan]

Chapter IV: The War Begins

Shadimar looked out upon the trap he had set up as he rode toward his command post. His men were positioned in dikes that were just barely over the crest of the hills that made up most of the valley that the Mongols had just entered. He had sent a raiding party to attack the horde while it was on the move. The Mongols, of course, pursued. The plan was to get them to rush over the hillcrests and fall upon the pikes set up just out of sight. After that, the archers would let fire from the adjacent hilltops while Talion Cavalry came around and charge the barbarians from behind. So, far everything was going fine. “So far”, the king thought as he nudged his mount towards the Memkar Cavalry division. He could only hope that his men would do as ordered. He wanted a quick war with few casualties, not an honorable war in which he would be killed and Talianna would fall to the Mongol Horde. He could only hope…

Colby waited impatiently. He felt uncomfortable in his chain mail and helmet, especially in the blistering heat of midday in the Fertile Crescent. He could see the Euphrates River about a mile to the west, and he envied the pikemen stationed near it. Ever since the war began and he had become a pikeman in the Kings Army, he had wished he had never been enrolled in the Acadamy. For the last eighteen months, there had been nothing but war for Colby. War with the Mongols, war with the Persians, war with rebels, it didn’t matter who he was fighting with as long as there were men to kill. Each death made him sick to the stomach, and the only reason he slept after a battle was purely exhaustion. Why Shadimar decided to fight three wars at once, he did not know, but he had faith in his Commander, and in his King.

Over the course of the last eighteen months, much had happened. Shortly after the discovery of gunpowder, the Persians and the Mongols took the only two sources of saltpeter in the Kingdom. Because of this, the King decided to use any means necessary to not only recover the stolen resources, but to bring Persia and Mongolia under Talion rule. So far, only one battle had been lost, and that was because of an ambush. Not all was looking well, though. Unhappy landholders who protested the war had convinced some “bandits” to revolt against Kingdom rule. The rebellion, which mainly took place in the African Provinces, was put down swiftly, though it was costly. Because Africa was far from the frontlines, Shadimar was reluctant to spare troops for the six months it would take to stop the rebellion. After the rebel force was crushed, all the traitors were hung, and not one peasant dared to defy the Sovereignty of Shadimar Illidrad, King and Protector of The Kingdom of Talianna.

Back in the Fertile Crescent, the battle had gone well. The Mongolians had fallen into the trap and now twenty score Mongols were spitted on pikes, turned into pincushions, or obliterated by the Talion Cavalry. An added bonus was that the horse archers were the first to fall on the pikes, as they had moved to the front of the horde to shoot at the raiders. Shadimar smiled grimly as he turned to Knight-General Jevin. “Well,” he said while he cleaned his blade, “that’s one less group of bloodthirsty savages. Now all we have to do is route out the Persian dogs, and we will be ready to take the war to foreign fronts.”

[Nylan-Nolan]

Chapter V: Persopolis

Cirion tapped his foot nervously while he waited in the antechamber to the throne room of Consul Xerxies, Imperator and Princeps of Persia. He was here to offer a stolen technology that might aid the battle against the evil Empire of Talianna. Cirion was no fool. Despite Xerxies promises that Persia was winning the war, he had no doubt that was all that they were, promises. Shadimar had routed the Mongol horde and the Imperial Army without losing a single battle. The only battle Talianna had lost to anyone was an ambush by rebels in Africa. The King of Talianna had been forced to fight three wars, and he was winning all of them. Cirion was here to make sure that if the war had to be fought on Persian soil, it would be at the cost of many Talion lives.

A servant wearing the purple of the royal household entered from a side door and indicated that he should enter the throne room. It was a very nervous Cirion that complied, after picking up his many scrolls. The servant offered to help, so he dumped all the scrolls in his arms and they entered the royal throne room of Xerxies, the most powerful man in Persia. What the little man from the west saw was breathtaking. White marble stone glistened in the morning light that came from the windows adjacent the throne. Windows that seemed to rise up forever, even past the roof, which seemed far to high for any man to have painted the murals of the Talion/Persian crusades into Europe. The walls were blue marble with gold veins, as well as white stars dotting the “sky” that was the throne room. The throne itself was made of silver, and had velvet cushions. Upon it sat Xerxies. With his gold scepter and jewel embedded crown, he looked like the richest man in the world, and he was.

“Well, what do you have to say?” inquired the Imperial Speaker for the Consul. Cirion paused. He had been so enraptured in the beauty of the throne room that he forgot why he was here. “Oh…my lord, I apologize. I was just admiring your throne room. Um, let’s see here…oh yes, I have found something that may aid the Persian war effort against the evil Talions.”

“Stole, you mean.” Xerxies replied as he brushed an imaginary speck of dust off his robe. “Well, whatever it is, you had better tell me now, before I decide that I don’t like you.” He indicated to the arrow slits in the wall that were located nearest ho him. Cirion had not seen these before. They were flickering, and the little man concluded that the archers manning those posts had fire arrows. He decided to get on with his demonstration as quickly as possible and leave.

“Well, your highness,” he began, “I have here the instructions for making gunpowder, as well as detailed blueprints for long range muskets.”

“Nice, very nice. Maybe I won’t have my Imperial guard turn you into a charred pincushion.” He signaled to the archers again, and the glowing faded. “Tell me,” he said, “does anyone suspect you of stealing the instructions?”

“No, my lord, I even made copies to put where the originals were. Nobody suspects anything.”

“Servant,” Xerxies turned his head towards the servant who held the scrolls. “Take those scrolls to High Priest Constance. He will know what to do with them. As for you,” he redirected his attention to Cirion, “What do you wish in return for your efforts?”

“Nothing my lord.” The westerner replied. “I only wish the safety of Imperial lands.”

“Bah!” the Consul replied, “That’s a lie. What do you really want?” Cirion looked at Xerxies youngest daughter, who had just entered the chamber, unable to speak. “Ah, you seek a wife. Very well, she is yours. Take care of her.” Was all Xerxies said before indicating that princess Jasmine and Cirion should exit the room. When they paused, the Imperial speaker took up the conversation.

“His majesty is very busy. Out with the both of you!” The archers raised their fire bows again and the soon to be wed couple exited via the main doors and headed towards the gardens. They really needed to talk.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

That last lines a killer

My wife and I really need to talk

This is good stuff Nylan please keep it coming

[Nylan-Nolan]

Chapter Five: Young Love

Jasmine and Cirion grew up together. They had known each other practically since birth, though they seldom talked during their childhood. Many would not see this as possible because of the differences in social class. Jasmine was the youngest daughter of the Consul of Persia, and Cirion was the second class son of a servant. Despite the odds of these two knowing each other at all, they were very close. As it turns out, Cirion’s father was a servant in the summer home of the Consul’s daughters. This home was, of course in the East. Jasmine had taken a fancy to the shy little servant’s boy that seemed to blush every time she saw him helping his father. After a year or so of this odd relationship, Jasmine decided to do something.

She began sneaking out to see him. At first, this caught Cirion by surprise. Never had he expected the girl of his dreams, the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on, to fancy him. “Wha…your highness! What are you doing here?” he asked when he saw Jasmine outside his window

.“Shh.” She replied as she climbed through. “I’ve decided I like you, and that we might as well get to know each other. You’re cute, you know that. After a year of blushing and stuttering, I was wondering when you were going to break the ice.”

“But your highness…won’t your father be angry? It’s not proper for first class citizens like yourself to mingle with the common folk.”

“My father won’t know.” Replied the Princess as she sat down on his cot. “He’s all the way in Persopolis fretting over the French.” Cirion began to say something, but discovered that he couldn’t speak when someone was kissing him. His first impulse was to pull away from her, but when he looked at her, he felt something unfamiliar to him. He felt something that a peasant rarely felt. He felt love. He had always liked her, and he had thought he had loved her, the girl of his dreams, but reality was infinitely different. This was true love. It was love at first sight, or rather, in this case, love at first communication. They embraced, two people who hardly knew each other, but they felt as if they had been friends forever.

They would have been up all night, talking, embracing, and getting to know each other, if it weren’t for two things. The first was that Cirion’s father was still awake. This fact is self explanatory. The second reason that they could not be together all night was that someone would have noticed. A servant and a Princess who were both exhausted from lack of sleep would be bound to be noticed. For the next few years, Jasmine and Cirion visited each other for an hour or so every night. Each night, they grew closer. By the time the European Crusades, they were finishing each other’s sentences.

Now, you would have thought that a love so profound would have led to more physical contact than just kissing and embracing. This was not so. Both of them knew that should Jasmine become pregnant, their relationship would be over, and Cirion would be executed. So, with great reluctance, they decided on one of their first meetings that they would not take that risk. It was hard at times, but they stuck to their promise.

When the European wars were over, Xerxies decided to call his daughters back to Persopolis. The danger was over; his children no longer would run the risk of assassination or worse fates that French Secret Service could inflict upon them in the Capitol. The last night before Jasmine and her two older sisters left for Persopolis, was a sad night. Cirion was hard pressed to leave Jasmine’s chambers before dawn. “I love you so much,…please don’t leave.”

“I…I don’t want to, but you and I both know that I have to.” She sobbed and cried into his shoulder.

“I will come for you. We can run away to Talianna and get married there.”

“You know we couldn’t do that. Father would coerce the Talions into searching for me.”

“Well then I must find another way to reunite us…I will find a way.” Just then, they heard the maid coming down the hall.

“You need to go, my love.” They embraced one last time before Cirion climbed down off the royal balcony and headed home. He did not move his eyes from her slim figure until the foliage in the garden hid her from view.

On the way home, he got an idea. It was a crazy one, but it just might work. And so, with only the clothes on his back, his father’s horse in his hands, and love in his heart, he headed west to Talianna.

[SKILORD]

Not bad at all Nylan.

Very good.

[Nylan-Nolan]

I'm getting better!

[Mad Bomber]

It's so sad, the Princess just doesn't want to give up the goods!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

good stuff

[Nylan-Nolan]

Thanx guys,
Hope to have an update soon!

[Paddy]

Thanks Nylan

Very enjoyable

[Nylan-Nolan]

Originally posted by Mad Bomber
It's so sad, the Princess just doesn't want to give up the goods!

*Falls over laughing*

[Nylan-Nolan]

Okay, here's an ending. Let me know if you think it needs some revising.

Chapter VII: Betrayal

Shadimar was in the command tent studying maps he already knew by heart when a messenger from the Palace entered. He was ashen-faced, exhausted, and there was a sickly look about him. Shadimar recognized him as the head librarian at the Great Library of Talianna. “Yes, Gaiyrn? What is it?” When the man paused, he grew worried. “Well?” he prodded.

“Sir,” he replied. He was panting. “Grave news. Our original gun designs and gunpowder recipe have been stolen!”

“What!?!” the King exclaimed. “Who stole those documents!?! I must know! Who has betrayed us?”

“Well sir,” the librarian said, “We don’t know who he is, but we know who sent him.”

“Tell me! I must know!”

“Well sir, the copies left where the originals were happened to be on Persian paper. Whoever stole the scrolls practically left a note saying who sent him.”

“How could I be so blind?” Shadimar was furious now. All his careful planning, his hard work, wasted. Now that the Persians had muskets, he would have to rework all of his strategies. He sighed. “Inform my officers, and then go to the mess tent. You look hungry…and tired. I will arrange for you to sleep with the servants tonight. In the morning I will provide you with a fresh horse and supplies for the journey home. When this war is over, remind me to give you a pay raise.”

“Thank you, Highness. Thank you ever so much.” Gaiyrn bowed as he exited the tent and headed to the mess tent for a well deserved dinner.
* * *
A week later, Xerxies was talking to a messenger from Talianna. This was no ordinary foreign affairs matter. No, this was much worse. This was an accusation of theft and treachery. “I knew that Cirion was an idiot and a traitor the minute I laid eyes on him.” He said to himself after speaking with the messenger. He turned to one of his guards. “Captain!”

“Yes, my lord?”

“Arrest Cirion. He must be executed at once!”

“Yes, my lord!” The guard scuttled out the doors and headed to Cirion and Jasmine’s estate.

The next morning, Cirion was hung. Despite Jasmine’s begging to let him live, Xerxies killed his beloved daughter’s only love. Later, she was discovered lying on her bed with a slit in her neck, a bowl full of blood on the floor, and a jeweled knife in her hand. Upon learning that he had caused the death of his own daughter, Xerxies locked himself in his private chambers and refused to come out. Many people said that he went insane and killed himself. Without the guidance of their leader, the government collapsed, and Persia erupted into chaos. Talion troops moved in quickly and took Persopolis without a fight. The theft of gunpowder had destroyed one of the greatest nations on earth.

[Mad Bomber]

Not bad, but a bit abrupt and it has a bit too much romeo-and-juliet for my taste.


However, the overall tale was pretty good, you started off on a strong note Nylan.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Too abrupt Nylan, it spoils what was thus far a good story.

You should rethink this a little and try to add some more by editing your last post. Maybe even an extra chapter ?

Otherwise what else can I say, I enjoyed the story very much but honestly feel you rushed there at the end. Thank you for posting this and I look forward to seeing more work by you in fiture

[Nylan-Nolan]

I thought so too, but I was running out of ideas. I'll fix it as soon as I can. This bayby ain't over yet!