A joke I overheard - Page 3

Blake · May 14, 2002, 19:10

Three drones walk into a bar.
You would think the third one would have ducked.

Adalbertus · May 28, 2002, 03:47

[Okay not hillarious, but doesn't H'minee sound like Harmony, plus how many?]

After a few weeks I realised that Harmony indeed might be the intended meaning. So, what/who is Judah Marr?

Clear Skies · May 28, 2002, 04:17

Lady Deirdre Skye walks into a bar and says to the barman, "May I have a double entendre please?"
So the barman gave her one.

Phil_de_geezer · May 28, 2002, 08:15

Quote:

ware he is sucked into a Recyling tank air inlet and prematurly becomes one with all the people

tee hee - that's comical genius!

Three Spartans are standing behind 3 University researchers in the queue for the mag tube. The researchers buy just one ticket between them while the Spartans buy three. The Spartans are confused and ask the researchers how they can get away with only buying one ticket. They reply "watch and learn". So they board the mag train and the University men walk straight in to the toilets while the Spartans sit in the carriage. The ticket inspector comes along (probably equipped with a shredder pistol for taking care of fare dodgers!) and knocks on the toilet door saying "tickets please". A hand reaches out with the single purchased ticket and the inspector takes it and walks away.
The Spartans agree that this is a very clever trick and decide to try it themselves the next day.

So the next day the Spartans buy one ticket but the University researchers don't buy ANY. Once again the Spartans are confused and ask "how can you travel without tickets?". The men simply smile and board the train. So the Spartans head straight for the toilets and close the door. One of the researchers then walks up to the toilet door, knocks and says "tickets please"...

oh dear...

Blake · May 28, 2002, 08:19

Quote:

After a few weeks I realised that Harmony indeed might be the intended meaning. So, what/who is Judah Marr?

I don't know, but he catches flak for the remarkable similarity between the pronunciation of Marr and the sound a sheep/goat makes (and it doesn't help when the human faction leaders exaggerate it.)

Clear Skies · May 29, 2002, 09:12

Since when have the human faction leaders ever been called upon to pronounce Marr's name?...

Anyway.

The Rover Driver And The Believer Priest
A Spartan van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Peacekeeper he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous light purple colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a Believer priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Believer 'where are you going, Father?'

'I'm going to say mass at New Jerusalem, about 2 miles down the road' replied the priest.

'No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! Climb in!'

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Peacekeeper walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the Believer priest sat in the back, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Peacekeeper. However even though he was certain he missed the whining little ****, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said 'I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Peacekeeper.'

'That's okay' replied the priest. 'I got the
*?!*** with the door!'

__

Morgan, who was desperately low on energy credits, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, he figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: MORGAN'S ASS SHOWS
Morgan was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: MORGAN’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Miriam was so upset with this show of depravity that she ordered Morgan not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: MIRIAM SCRATCHES MORGAN'S ASS
This was too much for Miriam, and she ordered Morgan to get rid of the animal. Morgan gave the donkey to Deirdre instead.
The next day the headline read: DEIRDRE HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
Miriam fainted. She told Deirdre that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, Deirdre finally sold the beast to Lal for 10 energy credits.
The headline read: DEIRDRE PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN CREDS
They buried Miriam the next day.

Clear Skies · May 29, 2002, 09:18

Zakharov was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." Zakharov took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again Zakharov took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
Zakharov said, "Look, I'm a scientist. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Phil_de_geezer · May 29, 2002, 10:14

Ah brilliant! Love the one about the donkey!

nearly falls off chair laughing

Frankychan · May 30, 2002, 02:50

SMAC FANATIC

Masterful!

These are the best jokes I've seen yet, SMAC related or not!

Mr. President · May 30, 2002, 04:29

I've heard that rover one in non-SMAC form before, but it's still pretty funny.

Kassiopeia · May 30, 2002, 17:26

Quote:

Originally posted by Alexnm
Wow, kass, this is what I call the resurrection of a thread...

I was just rummaging through the search function, found this and remembered an old joke...

SMAC Fanatic: That Zak joke is priceless.

Kassiopeia · August 31, 2002, 07:19

Nah, decided to bump this once more, for Tass' sake.

Anodyne · August 31, 2002, 14:32

Zakharov, Miriam, Yang, Lal and Deirdre all enter a bar at the same time. The bartender looks at them all for a long while and then asks; "Is this some kind of a joke or what?"

Clear Skies · August 31, 2002, 16:40

Warning: Communism joke to follow.

First prisoner to second prisoner: "So why are you here?"
Second prisoner: "I criticised Chairman Yang in 2251. You?"
First prisoner: "I praised Chairman Yang in 2252." (to third prisoner) "How about you?"
Third prisoner: "I am Chairman Yang!"

Clear Skies · September 1, 2002, 07:56

Oh, go on then...at the risk of being accused of spamming...

Chairman Yang, Sister Miriam Godwinson and Director Morgan are called up before God. God says to them, "You must each go back to your people and tell them two pieces of news. One, I do exist, and two, the world is going to end tomorrow."

Chairman Yang goes back to The Hive and says, "I have two pieces of bad news. One, we were wrong all along. god does exist. Two, the world's going to end tomorrow."

Sister Miriam goes back to New Jerusalem and says to her Believers, "I have one piece of good news and one of bad news. My followers, we were right! The Almighty does exist after all! The bad news is, the world will end tomorrow, so we must prepare!"

Director Morgan goes back to Morgan Industries and says, "I have two pieces of really great news! One, I'm one of the three most important people on Planet, and two, the ecodamage problem is solved!"

bondetamp · September 1, 2002, 16:08

hehe

Adalbertus · September 1, 2002, 16:50

To continue with those SMACizes jokes:
Yang has finally beaten Zakharov, Miriam and Santiago. Before putting them to the Punishment Sphere, he decides to to a social experiment (or something like that

) Each of them is locked into a small room, together with a (closed) tin of food.
Two days later, he looks into the first room, with Santiago. She lies in the corner, sleeping, the tin heavily deformed but open, the walls full of what apparently is more than half of the contents of the tin.
In the next room is also asleep. The walls are filled with mathematical formulae, and Zak apparently was able to throw the tin so exactly to the edge of a chair that it sprang open.
In the third room, the tin is untouched. Miriam is awake, a bit weak but looks happily out of the window into the sun, muttering "I believe I've eaten my fill".

Straybow · September 2, 2002, 13:18

Zak: "If I said you had a beautiful Biolab wold you hold it against me?"
Dierdre: "Is that a monolith in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?"
Lal: "I have an extra talent you might appreciate…"
Santiago: "Prepare to enter the Punishment Sphere!"
Morgan: "I've got your Paradise Dome right here!"
Miriam: "Yes, I can see you've started Ascent to Transcendence all on your own."
Yang: "I really like to Salvage the Unity Core, if you know what I mean…"

Major Guz · September 3, 2002, 04:25

A believer comes into a bar and orders 21 glasses of beer.
The bartender asks: "Why do you want 21 glasses of beer, you are all alone?"
Believer: "Yes, that may be so, but the sign on the door says "No alcoholic beverages below 21".

Major Guz · September 3, 2002, 05:26

A Gaian walks up Mount Planet along a road.
A Spartan drives his Recon Rover up the Mountain backwards towards the Gaian. So the confused Gaian asks him why he does that.
"My girlfriend lives near the top of Mount Planet and because of the Lava there is no room to turn my Rover over there."
It sounded logical and the Gaian walked along.
5 minutes later the Recon Rover comes down the Mountain, again backwards.
"Why are you driving backwards now?", the more confused gaian askes.
"There was enough room to turn my Rover." The Spartan answered

Kassiopeia · September 3, 2002, 05:37

Must be having a bad day or something, because I don't get it.

Mr. President · September 3, 2002, 06:50

I don't get it either.

Major Guz · September 3, 2002, 06:59

Yeah, that's probably because they are german jokes and maybe the translation makes it very unfunny in English, or maybe my English is just not good.

big_canuk · September 3, 2002, 10:29

The point is a slur against Spartans.

You know:

Why do Spartans drink out of square mugs?

So they don't leave rings on the table!

Kassiopeia · September 3, 2002, 11:12

Eck. My sense of humour must be on shoreleave or something.

Adalbertus · September 3, 2002, 13:38

Major Guz, the problem is probably that the Spartan Rover drivers don't have the same infamous reputation as the German Manta drivers.

(An explantation which is internationally probably a bit more available: The Manta driver's girlfriends are always blonde, have the same IQ as their mate, and usually pregnant ...)

Mr. President · September 3, 2002, 19:48

Don't worry about it MariOne, it's hard to tell jokes on the Internet.

Frankychan · September 4, 2002, 02:52

Quote:

Originally posted by big_canuk
The point is a slur against Spartans.

You know:

Why do Spartans drink out of square mugs?

So they don't leave rings on the table!

That's pretty funny.

Anodyne · September 18, 2002, 13:44

*BUMP!*
Too funny not to be on page one