Joke of the Day

[Tiamat]

Alright guys.......cross your legs on this one!!

After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned and placed his order. That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor!" Sometimes the bull wins!

[Tiamat]

Originally posted by Kamrat X


I didn´t get that one

Past Your Eyes!

[Zoid]

A bit old, but I like this one.

A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking guy sitting at the bar.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutcase, so she walks around the pub.
After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar.
She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the guy says to the bartender "Give her a pint of what I'm having."
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "Superman, you're such a tosser when you're pissed"

[Zoid]

Originally posted by Tiamat
Alright guys.......cross your legs on this one!!

After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned and placed his order. That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor!" Sometimes the bull wins!

Ouch!

[Az]

all jokes are great , so far. (except the one from lung. I don't know why )

[Tiamat]

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
Don't leave any clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

Cigars anyone?

[Zoid]

Originally posted by Tiamat



Past Your Eyes!

Oops My pronounciation was a bit off there...

[Adam Smith]

Originally posted by Tiamat

$14,000 for "large."

Considering how much it costs to remodel a kitchen, the guy should have held out for "****ing enormous".

[Tiamat]

This one is for the girls


Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "O.K." he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh,no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[Az]

[Zoid]

Translated from Swedish:

The seven dwarfs are in in Rome to visit the Vatican. Dopey steps up to the popes door and rings the bell. The pope opens the door and asks "Dopey, my child. What can I do for you?

Dopey says "Excuse me your excellency but is there dwarf nuns in Rome?"

Pope smiles and says "No, Dopey, there´s no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background some of the other dwarfs snicker.

Dopey the asks "Your excellency are there dwarf nuns in Italy then?"

The pope looks at Dopey and says "No, dopey there is no dwarf nuns in Italy." Now the other dwarfs start to laugh.

Dopey persists in his line of questioning. "But there must be some dwarf nuns in Europe?" The pope starts to get a little tired of Dopeys inane questions and says "Dopey there´s no dwarf nuns in Europe!" The other dwarfs double over with laughter.

Dopey then asks with a slightly panic stricken voice "Your excellency isn´t there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The pope almost yells, "Dopey for the last time, There is no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!!"

By this time the other dwarfs are rolling on the floor laughing their asses of, while pounding thei little fists against the ground chanting "Dopey ****ed a penguin, Dopey ****ed a penguin"

[Az]

one of the dwarfs is named Dopey? .


oh, and the joke was funny too.

[Zoid]

Originally posted by Dalgetti
one of the dwarfs is named Dopey? .


oh, and the joke was funny too.

I think so. I had to look that up. In swedish he´s called Toker which means "crazy person" Dopey was the name that was the closest...

[Az]

alright, you may carry on.

[Zoid]

Thank you.

[Chowlett]

Note that they had no names before disney

[alva]

funny to see how these jokes (some of them are quite old( but very good and pre-internet) have travelled the world

[Imran Siddiqui]

And who said Americans didn't have a sense of humour?

No, just Mr Fun, to whom I pointed out in another thread is patently unfunny.

[OzzyKP]

One day while out flying around Metropolis Superman passes an open window that catches his eye. He goes back and takes a look inside, there is Wonder Woman buck naked with her legs spread wide open.

Superman thinks to himself "hmmm, i'm as fast as a speeding bullet, I can zip in the window, have my way with her and leave before she even notices."

ZOOM! Superman carries out his plan and quickly disappears.

Wonder Woman looks up and says, "What just happened?"

The invisible man replies "I don't know but my ass is sure sore."

[Tuberski]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt.
When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

"Buffalo come," Tonto says.

"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear Sticky."

[Chowlett]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto (in another joke), rode up to the saloon and got off their horses. Says the Lone Ranger "I'm going to see if anyone's seen Billy the Kid. You run round with the horses to keep them limber, we'll be riding out soon."

So the Lone Ranger walks into the saloon.

(clink, clink, clink, clink. Creeeaak. Clink, Clink. Piano music stops)

"Have any of you good citizens seen Billy the Kid?" he asks.

The barman replies "We surely haven't Mr Ranger - but if he comes by we'll be sure to let you know. Now how about a whiskey for the road? On the house?"

"No, I can't stop. I've left the injun running."

[Boris Godunov]

Two blondes are standing on the opposite side of a raging river. The first one calles out to the other:

"HEY! How do I get to the other side?"

The second one answers:

"You ARE on the other side!"

****

A housewife has taken a lover during the day while her husband is away at work. One day she and the lover are in the bedroom going at it when outside a car door slams. The wife jumps up, looks out the window and screams, "Oh my GOD! My husband is home early from work! Quick, HIDE! Don't let him see you!!!"

With that, she jumps up and runs naked into the bathroom, closes the door and locks it. The lover, unable to escape as the husband is coming in the door, runs into the bedroom closet and closes it.

A short while later, the lover can hear the husband in the bedroom, moving around and calling for his wife. Then, the closet door suddenly swings open, and husband and and lover are face-to-face.

Husband: Who the hell are you? And why are you in my closet?

Lover: Me? I...uh...I...(looks around at clothes) Why, I'm a moth exterminator!

Husband: A moth exterminator? But...why the hell are you buck naked?

Lover: Naked? (looks down at himself) Why, those bastards!

[Clear Skies]

I apologise in advance for this joke - blame Mad Helen, for twas she who made me post it.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set-up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're deeply satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[Immortal Wombat]

[Provost Harrison]

[Eli]

[Zoid]

[Inverse Icarus]

how do you make five pounds of fat look good?


put a nipple on it.

[Provost Harrison]

I'll try that with my belly

[Evil Knevil]

Gazooks man! You can't put 10 nipples on your belly, it'd be obscene!