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Old June 2, 2002, 00:36   #1
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Closeup of a Battle
This story is an attempt to recreate a battle, it will be a one-post short story. Feedback would be appreciated, so I can get an idea of what was good and what wasn't when I do another epic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2000 swordsmen lined up shoulder to shoulder, they were the elite sector of the army, and they knew it. Their commander, the Mighty Chinese Chieftain, Liu Bei, was a charismatic leader, and with the backing of the great warriors, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei, was nearly assured a position as a great leader should his force prove victorious.

Each of these three men have the potential for greatness, Zhang Fei had the fighting prowess and was renowned for defeating an army of 1000 men single-handedly.

Guan Yu, also a strong physical warrior, was also a decent strategist, and his diplomatic writings are known far and wide to have helped Liu Bei throughout his career.

Liu Bei himself, an heir to the title of Emperor, was slightly reluctant to lead more than soldiers, a decent fighter and strategist, his forte was to taunt the enemy and enlighten his men, giving a morale advantage.

The enemies these three men faced were from the barbarous land known as Babylon. The Chinese were engaged in a battle that started 400 years earlier, and would continue untill one nation had control of a unified continent.

Mozarique was the commander of the Babylonian forces, and as such had great fear for his life while facing these chinese warriors who carried the shiny sharp things. Mozarique had seen them employed effectively once, and he hoped he wouldn't have to again.

Mozarique headed up his patrol unit when he came upon the line of 2000 men, he stopped and put up a white flag, the signal for a temporary truce and pre-conflict parley.

"Who are you and why do you not attack us?"

"I am Mozarique the Eliminator, and I am giving you one chance to surrender your force to me."

"That is dishonerable, and so are you. We meet again on the battlefield."

Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei, rode back to their force quickly and began to ready the men for an attack upon the disrespectful Mozarique.

"Men! You have fought for me many times, and have become experts in the arts of war. I bring to you word that the commander of Babylon's army is in that grouping of warriors! Ten women and Ten THOUSAND pieces of gold to the man who brings me his head!!!"

At that, a deafening roar arose from the men, the gift of tens upon tens was the most honorable acclaimation for a soldier, and these men were prepared to earn it.

Mozarique was extremely worried however; his threat was a ruse, there was no way he could defeat all of these swordsmen with his detachment of scout warriors. Instead of giving a throaty speech, he told the men that the last man standing at this battle would control Babylon and China, and that man better be Babylonian, or he would make sure all of his men would be smited by the gods upon his death.

The Babylonians looked up at the final cheer of greed as Liu Bei finished off his speech, and responded with one unified belch, in the hopes that they would strike some sort of fear into the hearts of the Chinese.

Zhang Fei was elected to lead the Chinese charge, and charge he did. He seemed to fly toward the Babylonian forces.

"TTTCHINGGGGG" Zhang Fei's blade had connected with the axeblade of a warrior, the battle had started and was becoming more and more heated as more and more swordsmen joined the fray.

The sounds were disgusting, the sounds of human flesh being bludgeoned and sliced, combined with corrisponding screams of agony were almost unbearable to Mozarique, and as he looked down, he only felt sadness. He had let down the nation of Babylon and he knew it, there was only one thing he could do for redemption, charge Liu Bei in the hopes of taking China's best man out first.

"Liu Bei!!!! I challenge you to a duel!!!"

"My officer, Zhang Fei, will face you upon his return."

"Can you not fight your own battles Liu Bei? I believe you are nothing but a coward."

"DIE JERKHOLE!!!"

Liu Bei rode towards Mozarique with extreme force and anger. Mozarique knew that he himself had nothing to lose, so he rode just as hard as Liu Bei.

When the first blow was taken, Mozarique's Axe was nowhere near as powerful as Liu Bei's custom made sword, and it shattered into multiple pieces. Mozarique quickly raised his buckler to deflect Liu Bei's next blow, but it was too late. Liu Bei had made connection to Mozarique's shoulder, and all that he could feel was immense heat on his right side, he soon blacked out.

Leaderless, the Babylonian army lost morale, and the battle, extremely quickly. Mozarique came-to, strapped to his horse, heading home to Babylon with a note.

"We've got you know Hammurabi, surrender or witness the destruction of all things babylonian."

_______________________________
The end. I based this loosely on Romance of the Three Kingdoms, if you can find the book (there's usually like 3 e-book versions at any given time) I definitely suggest reading it. Seriously, If you read this story, tell me what you think was good, and what could be improved. Also tell me if you would like battle scenes like this in my stories.

Thank you in advance.

P.S. People who give me feedback are my inspiration to write, (that's why I put Civman in my stories) so the more feedback I get, the more stories I write!!
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Old June 2, 2002, 00:45   #2
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Heh, pretty good, I reconized the RoTK influence right away. Never read or heard of the books about it, but i've enjoyed the games quite thoroughly. And since ya wanted a bit of constructive criticsm, though i'm not much to judge on these things I guess, a more equal enemy woulda been better for a short story. So you'd have more of a fight to describe. Just my opinion though..
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Old June 2, 2002, 00:50   #3
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Yeah, I thought that as well writing it, but I figured, " hey it'd be too much of a pain to change" so I didn't, I also considered Liu Bei losing the duel, but RoTK fans'd slaughter me, cuz Liu Bei is the coolest
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Old June 2, 2002, 08:20   #4
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pretty good ! As CV said, the battle might end a bit too quickly, but it's still good!
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Old June 12, 2002, 11:26   #5
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Hey. Good story, I liked the insults.

If you want constructive criticism, I say, go into more details about the deaths and carnage, the contrast between this and say, the beauty of nature.

Other than that, its good.
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Old June 12, 2002, 15:13   #6
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oh that's hilarious! I can see the expression on each face as the battle went on, great writing! Maybe if, as it has already been suggested, it were just a little less lopsided it would be better.
"DIE JERKHOLE!!!"
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Old June 12, 2002, 15:16   #7
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I like the story, of course i hope in a longer story things wouldnt move ad fast and there would be more detail.

Yes, battle sceens are good, just more detail and maybe some interaction between fellow soldiers or soemthing like that. keep it up .
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Old June 12, 2002, 16:12   #8
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Thanks for the great criticism, I'll probably do another one like this if Incoming doesn't get much of a response.
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