Alright, I'm starting more than I'm ending, that's cuz I only end the ones people like
respond well, and I'll keep writing this one, respond poorly, and I'll can it and say "DIE JERKHOLE!!" I hope it is still civ related if I make it a Chinese Civil War battle.
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From the last story, Liu Bei has gained somewhat of a large following, and is the lord of the Chinese land known as Shu (the southwest portion of China.) Liu Bei now only has 2 enemies which are preventing his complete control of China, these enemies are Wei and Wu, led by Cao Cao and Sun Quan respectively. What happens when the three powers meet on the battlefield??? Let's find out.
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Zhang Fei and Guan Yu each led their Columns towards Cao Cao's fortress of Xin Ye. They were fired up for battle, although this would be their fifth victory over a castle if they won, there was a Rumor that Cao Cao's master strategist, Si Ma Yi was leading the defense, which would make this a challenging battle indeed.
"Brother!" Zhang Fei called.
"Yes my Brother" Was Guan Yu's reply
"If our winds are favorable, will you set fire to the lands around the castle?"
"Zhang Fei, when the wind is in your face, it is not favorable, we will have to use the Ram."
"I wanted them out of there so I could do some actual fighting!!! Damn!!"
"Knowing you, I'm sure you'll find someone to fight with, Brother."
"Haha yes, even if it's a lowly private and I have to tie my arms to my legs for a challenge."
They rode on for a few more hours before castle defenses spotted them.
"Lieutenant!! Report to master Si Ma Yi that a Shu army is advancing!!"
"Yes sir!!"
Si Ma Yi was in his chambers, experimenting with powders that seemed to make lightning come from out of nowhere when the Lieutenant entered.
"What do you want?" He flung a lightning bolt towards the lieutenant and watched it explode on the wall behind him, the Lieutenant had dodged it.
"Sir, could you save that for Shu? They will be attacking soon"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!! That fool Liu Bei believes that he can stop me??! Ready the defenses!!"
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"Somebody has spotted us, brother"
Sure enough, they saw the gate close, about seven seconds later they heard the THUNK of the Oaken doors.
"RAM TO THE FRONT!!!" The large wheeled contraption moved slowly to the front of the column, It was extremely heavy because it was roofed to provide the men inside protection while attacking the castle. The other soldiers rested. They knew the next time they would rest would be either at a victory, or in death, many tied white bandanas around their heads to symbolize their willingness to die for their lord.
When the ram was in place, marching resumed, this time much more nervous, the Ram was first to help detect the man eating tiger pits that Si Ma Yi had been known to use in the defense of his castles.
"I hope they come out to meet us, I am ready for a duel" Zhang Fei said enthusiastically.
"I wouldn't count on it Brother, look at the walls." Archers were lining up, and boulders were being propped up above likely places for climbing.
The first arrow whizzed past Guan Yu's head "HELMETS AND SHIELDS MEN, WE'RE AT WAR!!" With that, the Ram reached the gate and there was a tremendous Woosh WHAMMM! Boulders were falling, ladders constructed from bamboo lashed together with twine were being pushed down. Zhang Fei Began to taunt the soldiers.
"Your Fly's undone!!!!"
"wha-?" As the soldier looked down, Zhang Fei released an arrow, and the soldier was falling off the wall.
"YESSS!!" Zhang Fei had drawn first blood, the battle was on now, when the Banner of Si Ma Yi rose from the flag post.
"Si Ma Yi, why don't you send your women to fight?? Your men obviously suck!!!"
Zhang Fei was surprised at the response he got. "I suppose then you would like to duel with one of my men then?"
"Send him out!!!"
It was a peculiar thing in Chinese battles of the time, when there was a duel, the whole battlefield stopped to watch.
The Shu soldiers were disheartened to see, not Si Ma Yi, but Xiahou Dun, Cao Cao's most formidable warrior, and half brother.
The two adversaries charged each other, both fighting, not only to win the battle, but to boost reputation, the winner of this fight would be the undisputed greatest warrior in the land of China.
Zhang Fei was the first to make contact with his weapon, it was a glancing blow on the face of Xiahou Dun, but there was blood, which meant that Zhang Fei now had the advantage.
Not one to be made a fool of, Xiahou Dun responded with a gash on Zhang Fei's arm, it was hot with pain, but the pain just made Zhang Fei's adrenaline flow faster, he was ready for business.
"DIE JERKHOLE!!!" Using the Cry of his lord and brother, Zhang Fei managed to slice Xiahou's foot, causing him to limp about.
"I can't die if you hit my feet you wiener!!" Xiahou Dun wasn't the smartest at spouting comeback lines.
In an unexpected move, just as Xiahou was going to swing his powerful sabre, Zhang Fei ducked and thrust upwards under Xiahou's armor, Zhang Fei's powerful move lifted Xiahou off of the ground and sent him sprawling. Xiahou wasn't moving, Zhang Fei had won the battle!!!
As if on cue, the gate slammed shut, the soldiers resumed fighting, and Zhang Fei went to get bandaged up so he could fight some more.
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How was that teaser?? Feedback would be extremely appreciated now.
i say you introduce a ninja chick to bust some shizz up, crouching tiger/hidden dragon-style. that'll teach the sexist pigs.
