Post your jokes here!

[Patashu]

So this guy walks into a bar...Ouch!

[Zevico]

So two guys walk into bar...you'd think the second guy would've ducked.

[Winston]

So Nadia Comanechi walks into a bar. You'd think she'd have the skills to do a Sukahara instead.

Lame, I know.

[Hydey]

Alexander's Horse.

[Ignorance]

The truck driver is sitting at a red light. The blonde in the lane
next to him is motioning for him to roll down his window. It's a
cold day, so he rolls down the window reluctantly. The blonde
says: "Hey, mister truck driver.... you're losing part of your
load!"

The truck driver ignores her, rolls up his window and drives away.
Pretty soon, he stops a another red light and the blonde catches
up to him again.
She again motions for him to roll down his window, but he ignores
her until she starts blowing her horn.

Finally, he rolls down his window and says, "What do you want now?"

The blonde replies, "I told you, you're losing part of your load!!"

The trucker rolls up his window and pulls away from the light.
Sure enough, he catches the next light red, too. This time the
blonde jumps out, runs around her car and pounds on his door,
yelling "Don't you care that you're losing your load???"

The trucker rolls down his window and says, "Fer Pete's sake lady,
it's a SALT TRUCK!"

[Ignorance]

A man in the produce section of a supermarket asked the clerk if he could purchase just a half a head of lettuce.
The clerk said they only sold lettuce by the head, but the man insisted that he ask his manager about it.
Walking into the stock room, the clerk said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he realized the man was standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man took his half a head of lettuce and left.
The manager told the clerk, "I liked the way you handled that situation. Where are you from?"
"Canada, sir," replied the clerk.
"Really? I hear that's a great place. Why did you leave there to move here?" he asked.
The clerk replied, "Oh, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players!"
"Oh, really?" said the manager. "I'll have you know my wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What position does she play?

[Sirotnikov]

A county wide survey on car accidents was done in the US employing black box recorders put in many cars, and in every accident, the recording showed waht people were saying just before the crash.

The survey showed that almost in all states, just before the accident, the driver usually yelled: "Oh sh!t!!!!" except for Arkansaw where the drivers usually exclaimed: "Grab your beer and watch this..."

[Ignorance]

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he
was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go
into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the
bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never
really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her
10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee
came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I have truly sinned,
I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's
would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the
confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister usually give for oral sex?"
The altar boy said, "a Snickers bar and a Coke."

LAUGHING VERY LOUD AT IGNORANCE's first one
HA HA HA HA

[Ignorance]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Pavlov]

So Patashu started yet another thread

[Kassiopeia]

Peter went to a store and a shovel.

Really, that one can be funny in Finnish, if you are very, very tired, very, very drunk, or both. I guess it looses something in the translation.

[Zopperoni]

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to
two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in
heaven.
The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been
faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him
a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the
luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

**********

Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more pivately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say its all over between us.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.


His Side of the Story:
Australia lost the cricket again. Got a **** though.

**********

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

**********

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for fark's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

**********

Three guys were out camping. When they woke up in their tent in the morning, the guy on the right said:
- I had the most amazing dream tonight... I dreamed that the most beautiful girl in the world was giving me a hand job.
The guy on the left said:
- No kidding? I had the exact same dream!
The guy in the middle looked jealously at them and said:
- I had no such luck, I dreamed that I was cross-country skiing...

**********

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud: "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says: "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy ****", the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my "Willie" around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you?!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst", says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT?" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"Well...???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[-=Vagrant=-]

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Peter went to a store and a shovel.
I guess it looses something in the translation.

Oh really?

Two basists walk past a bar...

Wasn't that funny?

[Immortal Wombat]

The trucker rolls down his window and says, "Fer Pete's sake lady,
it's a SALT TRUCK!"

[Cavalcadeus]

Salt trucks spread salt on the road in the winter to melt ice.

[Immortal Wombat]

[Kassiopeia]

Originally posted by -=Vagrant=-
Oh really?

Two basists walk past a bar...

Wasn't that funny?

It's OK, it just takes a while to understand it. At least from me.

[CapitanGarlic]

First, a Tom Swifty.

"Take the criminal downstairs!" Tom said condescendingly.

and now:

Three men work at a high-rise construction site; an Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck. Every day, they sit down together on the top scaffoldings and have lunch.

One day, the Irishman opened his lunch and started cursing. "Every day! Every day my wife packs me sourkraut! And I hate it! I swear to God, if I get sourkraut again tomorrow, I'm gonna kill myself!"

The other two look at him, and open their lunches. The Mexican looks at his, and also begins cursing. "All the time, my wife packs me enchiladas for lunch, and I'm getting sick of it! If I get enchiladas again tomorrow, I'm gonna kill myself as well!"

And then the redneck: "Always ham and cheese sandwiches! If I get another ham and cheese sandwich, I'm killing myself with you two!"

So the next day rolls around. The Irisman opens his lunch, and of course it is sourkraut. He jumps off the building and kills himself.

The Mexican opens his lunch. It's enchiladas, and so he jumps off and kills himself.

The redneck opens his lunch, sees that it is ham and cheese, and also jumps to his death.

At the funeral, the three wives are crying together. The Irishman's wife wails "He never told me! If he had only told me that he hated sourkraut, I never would have packed it for him!"

The Mexican's wife: "He never once said that he didn't like my enchiladas! If he had told me, I would have made something different!"

The Irishman and Mexican's wives look at the redneck's wife. She gives them a confused look and said: "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

yuk, yuk, yuk

[Sirotnikov]

I never got the salt truck too, but was shy of asking.

Thanks IW

[Ecthy]

Ignorance

Zopperoni

Garlic

[Pekka]

ok this is not good but anyway...:

Old lady went to super market and went to the meat section. She wanted to buy some sausages.
Old lady: Gimme a.. hmm.. 16 inch sausage please.
boy: sure thing... do you want it sliced and ready?

Then the old lady pulls up her skirt and says 'Does this look like a god damn cd-player to you, boy?'

[Winston]

Zopper, that one with the intercom takes the prize.

[Skanky Burns]

Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where!

Stolen from the quotes...

[Adalbertus]

Oh, no! A light bulb joke!!!

Here we go:
How many brass players do you need to replace a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb and two who drink until the room revolves.

********************************************

For you history geeks:
A fisherman catches a big fish. The fish starts to talk and says: "I'm not a normal fish but an enchanted prince. If you leave me free you'll have three wishes granted."
The fisherman sets the fish/prince back to the pond and wishes to be young again, to have a nice beautiful wife and to be the heir of a big empire.
He falls asleep and wakes in a big comfortable bed by the sound of the gentle voice of a beautiful lady: "Come on, Ferdinand, we'll have to go to Sarajevo".

[Skanky Burns]

Some "true" stories:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise". My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13 TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year. In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman, raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

[Ignorance]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

[change 18 to your local old-enough-to-legally-have-sex-age if it doesn't make sense]

[Ecthy]

Skanky Burns. Your first story implies you're a woman, the second story implies you're a man. Decide!

[Skanky Burns]

They aren't about me.
They are jokes told in the first-person.

[Ecthy]

But you called them true stories.

But in that case, they're not even funny.

Get some humour perspective