The Jungle Gazette: Volume XIV

[UnOrthOdOx]

THE JUNGLE GAZETTE

---

Your Light in the Jungle - August 31, 210 BC


French Capitol held breifly
Army suffers first loss

In what some have been calling a disaster, our Arhcers marched upon Rheims. As if fortelling disaster, they were ambushed before reaching the French capitol by a battalion of French Swordsmen. The ambush resulted in the loss of the Spearmen escort before our archers were able to repel the attacking forces and continue on theri march to Rheims. Upon reaching the city, they let out a massive assault. 1000 Archers died at the hands of the enemy Spears, and another 1200 were wounded, with only 200 actually reaching the center of the city to storm the Palace. Once again, they found that the elusive Joan had somehow managed an escape. Worse yet, they soon found that they were not alone as an eemy battalion of Warriors soon jumped upon the remaining Archers and took them by surprise, thus recapturing the city. French citizens told us how she had been warned to flee by a misterious voice, and to lay a trap for the invaders. Rumor or not, Joan is proving to be a far more worthy opponent than Abe ever was.

- UnOrthOdOx

City in Chaos
Martial law declared

Shortly after taking control of Port Rouge, formerly Orleans, the city fell under martial law as a protest march became violent. Citizen's in the town, aparantly upset largly due to the sudden lack of wine, began a protest march on the governor's estates. Soon things escalated into an all out brawl as they found the estate empty, and much confusion as to which regional governer they should petition to for a remedy. "First they leave us with no wine, then they can't even tell us who is in charge?! This is an outrage! What kind of way is this to run a country?" one protesting citizen declared. Martial law was soon declared, and the local spearmen soon dispersed the croud while only inflicting minor injuries.

- UnOrthOdOx

$Mini-Game Financial Collapse!
Chaos on the Market floors

Due to the continuing French conflict dragging on far longer than most Market experts predicted, and the unexpected entrance of the Persian and German governments against Apolytonia, the $Mini-game market collapsed into turmoil during its last trading session.

The Food and Commerce Markets saw prices plummet to the worst level in the history of civilization. There have been many proposals to correct the Market and institute safeguards to prevent this from happening but the Landowners who make up the source for the market refuse to come to a consensus on what needs to be done.

Many Landowners simply want to continue with the degenerated system while others want to go to a true Demand/Supply driven market. Still others think that food is "the Devil" and only the unrighteous should eat. Fortunately the last group is no longer among us, having starved out of existence shortly after.

No sign as to whether or not the Market will ever resume. Suggestions that several new markets be added to the system caused the Market Banker to threaten a walk out.

- GhegisFarb

New alliance formed
Greece signs deal with Germany

In a surprising turn of events, our embassy in Greece sends word that Alexander has signed an alliance with Bismark, agreeing to the destruction of the Aztec empire. "Figures. That Bismark is insane I tell you. First he signs on with Joan, now he goes and devides his forces in a two front war? What is he thinking?" Aggie commented during his much needed rest from the French front. The deal, while one can only speculate as to Otto's reasoning, should prove usefull to our Greek friends. "Well, we had to do something. You saw that Elizabeth went and bought off the Aztec's. This was the only way we had of evening the score, and hopefully letting us focus on our original objectives." Said Alexander in a released statement.

- UnOrthOdOx


Frenchmen Flee Here It Is as Food Shortages Ensue
Many Disturbed by the New City Name

What once was a beautiful blossoming city with roads burgeoning with commercial activity, Paris recently renamed Here It Is, has become a pathetic, shell of its former self. The roads are still loaded with activity, but it is the activity of a population on the run. Former citizens of the defeated French Empire have loaded carts, horses, donkeys, cats and anything they possibly can, with their belongings and are fleeing the city, crossing the Great Rift to the new French Capitol of Avignon.

What has caused this mass emigration? Mr. Shiber, consultant for Ile de Rose Provincial Viceroy, jdjdjd, has stated the Frenchmen's morale was broken by the devistating defeat of the French Army, as well as the rapid evacuation by French Leader, Jeanne d'Arc, at the earliest signs of trouble. They have been dramatically hurt by her hasty retreat, which some have blatantly termed as cowardice.

Shiber added that many have been insulted by the change of the name of this once grand city at the foot of the Great Rift, from Paris to Here It Is. Still others have been confused as to exactly what it is that is here. These same persons are still having problems understanding where exactly President MrWhereItsAt, is at and what it is that is at there; but, for the most part, they are just accepting it as the peculiarities of the Apolytonian culture, bogged down by old Abbott and Costello movies(whatever they are).

The exodus of many of the citizens here, has lead to food shortages, and long lines to obtain supplies of the simplest kind for those remaining have ensued. Further complicating the situation here, has been a group referred to simply as the French Resistance, who have reaked havoc on attempts by Viceroy jdjdjd's staff to instill some order and sense of normalcy. Reports of attempted assassinations on taxmen and other governmental officials, as well as vandalism, looting, name calling, pulling hair, sticking out tongues, kicking dogs, stealing candy from babies and other offenses; have been linked to the Resistance. While a contingent of the Apolytonian Army and civilian officials of the City and Province have prevented any widespread rioting or civil disorder and quelled most of the Resistance; shouts of "Vive L'Resistance, blaaaaah!", can still be heard in some quarters.

Viceroy jdjdjd, stated in a public address last night, on the steps of Tete de Jeanne Palace that the Resistance had been shattered and that food shortages would end, as farms North of the city would be reopening and supplying the city with such necessities as corn, wheat, avacadoes, prunes, cucumbers, grapes, plantains, rat milk, monkey feces, and asparagus in the coming days. Furthermore, he announced that Deputy Minister of the Economy Spiffor had decreed an increase in the distribution of luxuries to all those who pledge allegiance to Apolytonia as citizens, whether of Apolytonian, American, Monkey or French decent. Finally, the Viceroy announced the plans to create a Temple to the Banana in the center of the city, where all can go to worship the Banana, in their own unique way. These announcements were met with tempered excitement and enthusiasm, and many were heard happily discussing dipping rods of asparagus in their cups of rat milk laced with pig feces, a favorite in this region.

While Here It Is seems to have survived the switch from French to Apolytonian control and mood here is currently one of contentment, there is much concern amongst the Viceroy's staff that things could become worse should the war linger against the French. However, given recent successes at Marseilles and Orleans, it is expected that the war will end in the near future, which will bode well with the remaining citizens here, in Here It Is, and help this city move forward and recapture its lost granduer.

- jdjdjd

Joan escapes again
conspiracy or divine intervention?

Upon the escape from Rheims, our sword armymarched upon yet another new capitol. Marseille. Once again we were met with an empty Palace, long since vacated. And, once again we were faced with French citizens telling us that some devine force had told Joan to flee or fear our wrath. "I find it much more likely that some among the army may be under her 'influence'" Uber claimed "Besides we all know that Banana is with us. Or perhaps she is as crazy as that fellow running his mouth off abou this 'ONE' garbage. That would explain her obsession with Phoenatica, despite our loss of contact with them." Whether devine ifluence, or through feminine wiles, it is obvious that Joan will not be easily caught. As she appears to be able to predict our every move.

- UOrthOdOx


Reddawg continues his satistical analysis
Apolytonia grows by 32%

*Demographic highlights:
-Apolytonia's approval rating is declining due to increasingly less popular wars and the ARE radicals, falling from the high of 67% and first in the world to 62% and 3rd in the world.
-Apolytonia's most impressive demographic is it's continual growth in terms f land area. It has climbed 26.8% to 27,000 square miles, and is now the 3rd largest in the world.
-The disease, although still the worst in the world, has fallen 4% to 41%.
-The most alarming trend is the drop in average military service to 12 from 15 years. This trend must be curbed in the sake of national security.


Current Regional Comparisons:
•Mingapulco Province(currently Apolyton, Termina, Tassagard, Banana HQ, Port Rouge):
394,000; 8.1% foreign; 62.0% of national population (a miniscule decrease since last term). 21 Lytons income; 22 shields output; 2 science output (a decrease!).
•Principality of Piña Colada (currently Timeline, Gaia, Del Monte, Chiquita):
94,000; 46.8% foreign (a fair drop); 14.8% of national population. 8 Lytons income; 4 shields output; 0 science output.
•El Niño Province (currently Loveshack, Seeberg, Ubergorsk, Geofront, Napoleton):
125,000; 0% foreign; 19.7% of national population (a semi-drop). 8 Lytons income; 5 shields output (a significant drop); 0 science output.
•Île de Rose (currently Here It Is, Marseilles):
22,000; 100% foreign; 3.5% of national population. 2 Lytons income; 2 shields outpout; 0 science output.

A full analysis is located here.

- UnOrthOdOx


Gazette to honor citizens
Nominations are now being accepted

We are announcng th formation of a new award for the Citizens. These will be held on a Regular basis, (still decidn how often) and are for citizens who contribute above and beyond the call of duty.

Goverment officials are not eligable. This is for Citizens only.

Make your nominations here

Page 1

[UnOrthOdOx]

Interview with French Government Official on French Building Habits


The war our nation is currently embroiled in against the French means little to most Apolytonians - another group of soldiers may be trained and sent off to the front, at the edge of a jungle that few can comprehend the end of, but little else. Today we bring you an interview by a field reporter who managed to sneak his way through to the French capital of at least one week in 250 BC - Rheims. Here Ninot passed himself off as Persian and managed to conduct a brief interview on the state of French Buildings with an official:

Ninot: So Mr Emmerde le Peu, your Government buildings are a subject of much fascination back home in Pasargadae. In light of the recent cooperation between our nations, would you give us an indication of their glory for the readers back home?

le Peu: Well you see, the French Government buildings house the French Government, headed by our most benevolent, intelligent and highly attractive leader Jean. Just the other day she had this most delicious-

Ninot: Yes, but what can you tell us about the materials that the buildings are constructed from? Back home we hear half-whispered tales of how the top materials available are imported specially for its walls, without actually knowing the form of such structures.

le Peu: Oh yes indeed. We spared no expense, as it is only surrounded by luxury can great leaders concoct great plans. The silks for the French Government buildings are only the finest, direct from the finest silkworm farms in the world...

Ninot: But what about the bricks, the wood...?"

le Peu: We have transcended the need for fixed structures that disallow strategic movements during times of war, as we are in now. We are confident all Governments will follow our lead eventually.

Ninot: So what you're saying is that the French Government building is a tent?!

le Peu: Er, ah. Well yes. Brick and wood buildings - so inflexible! In fact, so popular an idea is that of a mobile home that the French populace have started turning their homes into what they call "trailers", and great numbers of them join to form "trailer parks". In fact, this is what I foresee for the entire nation! One day every Frenchman will be the proud owner of his own trailer.

Ninot: You do realise that when the Apolytonian President MrWhereItsAt spat in your emissaries' face, he did so because he was laughing at the man's check shirt, ripped jeans, the bimbo assistant he turned up with, and the fact he turned up in just such a "trailer"?

le Peu: This interview is over.

This interview, though short, seems to confirm the strangest of rumours about the French populace. Forced to keep moving their homes and Government, the entire nation is turning into trailer park trash. This is perhaps the most compelling argument for peace I can think of: will Apolytnia really be better off for taking MORE French cities?

- MrWhereItsAt

Jungle Ball teams for auction

Those interested in oning a new Jungle Ball team (Fantasy Football) Please submit a bid to one of the presiding officials via PM: Togas, UnOthOdOx, or jdjdjd. Cities of the teams and rules are et to be determined.



Dear UnOrthOdOx,

Things are getting interesting here. While on my recient tour of our new holdings to the west, formarly occupied by that ***** Joan, a group of radicals has set up in the province of Mingapulco preaching about Racial Purity. Hopefully the yahoos who started all of that nonsence will get themselves straightened out soon. If not, I might just ask Uber if some of those Imperial Guards can be spared for some "recreational" duty in the capitol.

Out here in the west, things are beginning to calm down. We hear rumers from the pesants that Joan wants to talk peace. That is good in my opinion. Togas soon will have to meet with the *****. Hope he is able to work something out soon, so we can focus on teaching that backstabing Xerex what it means to mess with us. Aggie has been working behind the sceens to help Togas out when he does see the *****, so hopefully we will do very well.

This is all I have time to write from here in the land of the frogs. The starving masses here make travel difficult, and with Joans flunkies wandering around.... Well, nough said. Respectfully, your city planner, GK



From the Palace in Here It Is (formerly Paris)

After having been saved from the French by the Great Army of Apolytonia, and their leaders, Supreme Military Commander UberKruX and Deputy Commander Aggie; I was informed that I had been recently appointed Viceroy of Ile de Rose Province. This was a dubious honor at the time, as Ile de Rose Province only existed in theory, the territory was still under the control of the French. The Army I had encountered was preparing to change this, and was under orders to move on Paris and then Marseilles.

I had the pleasure, therefore, of accompanying the Army through the mountains towards Paris. The Supreme Military Commander parted company with us to check on a second Army making its way to Orleans and then Rheims. We moved very rapidly towards Paris, and I had little chance to talk to Deputy Commander Aggie, as he was quite busy going over his plans and forwarding orders to other elements of the Army in the field, not only in France but also back in Apolytonia.

Upon entering French territory, a dispatch was received advising to attack Paris, as war had been declared. The French apparently were not too happy about our movement into their territory nor for the incident which saved Vice President UnOrthOdOx, Dog and myself from the French Guard. Shortly thereafter, we were advised that the Germans and the Persians had also declared war on Apolytonia, their allegiance obviously purchased by the French. This seemed to increase the resolve of this force and their commander, and soon they were marching in double-time.

We reached Paris within days of the war declaration, and the battle commenced. This assault lasted for quite a few hours. I and Dog were not allowed to accompany them, and remained outside the City at some distance. I heard that our Army fought masterfully, sustaining some damages, as one division of this force suffered severe losses, it was the division that made the initial assault. The French, however, took even greater losses, and our Army prevailed rather easily.

After the battle was won, I and Dog were able to enter the city, and make our way to the Palace, tete de Jeanne. The Palace had been completely deserted, and as we entered, only one other person was there, Mr. Shiber, who had been a part of my failed voyage to Uber Island. He advised me that he was here to assist me taking over control of this City, which was renamed by President Mr.WhereItsAt to Here It Is. After hearing this name, I shall rue voting for the President until the day I die. Could a more insipid name have been given to this beautiful land? But alas, I have sworn my allegiance to him.

Mr. Shiber informed me that we need to move quickly to quell resistance in the city, try to keep the remaining citizens happy
and prevent starvation and/or reduction of the city's population due to emigration. We analyzed the situation, and after much frustration, realized that we had to come down hard at first, in order to show the remaining Frenchman that we were in control. We set up a tax collecting office, and set the tax collectors out amongst the populace. Then we petitioned Commander Aggie to maintain a military presence of some size. The population did shrink, but we determined that our way would prevent any rioting and civil disorder, and that most of the populace would resume business as usual in short order. This plan has been successful thus far.

As I and Mr. Shiber reviewed our plans, we did hear of the fall of Orleans and the civil disorder that ensued. I was glad not to be in charge of that city at this point, and was glad Mr. Shiber was here to assist me in controlling Here It Is. We also heard mixed word on Rheims, first that we were in control, then the French. It is still unclear to us who controls that city, and whether it even stands. We pray for our Army there, and hope they can withstand the evil French.

Commander Aggie did set up, briefly, his headquarters in the Palace, and several times we heard him go into tirades regarding the situation in Rheims as well as other areas. Apparently, there was some break down in communications. He only stayed in the palace for a couple of days, before he informed us that the Army was going to continue on to Marseilles. He had left a detail of men behind to assist us in maintaining control and to defend against any counter attacks.

We did hear two pieces of good news this morning, first that Aggie and his Army conquered Marseilles. That City is my next order of business, and am beginning initial plans to provide to Minister GodKing for Marseilles' smooth annexation into Apolytonia. I pray some sense can be applied to the naming of this city. The second piece of news was that the Deputy Minister of the Economy, Minister Spiffor, had agreed to provide luxuries to all of Apolytonia, which should assist us in making the balance of the citizens here content.

Tonight, Here It Is is quiet. Dog's solitary voice can be heard in the distance howling at the full moon. May the Banana save us from the evil French and their henchman...the Germans and Persians.

[Shiber]

The first post is all green.
Other than that it's a wonderful issue!

[UnOrthOdOx]

It's not on my computer...
/me looks at the coding...finds no obvious errors...

If you quote it, you can see the coding, any mistakes I am missing?

[Shiber]

Uhh...
I dunno, it looks like you forgot to close a color tag (the same thing happened to me with the previous issue). I have no idea why it's different on your computer.

[UnOrthOdOx]

Th color tag IS closed...I have no idea why yours in different either. Anyone else with trouble, or know the html code for green?

It may be some confusion in mixing Vb code and HTML...But that don't explain why mine is different...

[Shiber]

Whoops...
It's Opera's fault. It shows up fine in Explorer.

[rush]

Great newspaper. I especially like this para :

"The exodus of many of the citizens here, has lead to food shortages, and long lines to obtain supplies of the simplest kind for those remaining have ensued. Further complicating the situation here, has been a group referred to simply as the French Resistance, who have reaked havoc on attempts by Viceroy jdjdjd's staff to instill some order and sense of normalcy. Reports of attempted assassinations on taxmen and other governmental officials, as well as vandalism, looting, name calling, pulling hair, sticking out tongues, kicking dogs, stealing candy from babies and other offenses; have been linked to the Resistance. While a contingent of the Apolytonian Army and civilian officials of the City and Province have prevented any widespread rioting or civil disorder and quelled most of the Resistance; shouts of "Vive L'Resistance, blaaaaah!", can still be heard in some quarters"

But surely, sticking out tongues is not an offense, right ?

[Kuciwalker]

Oh, I just noticed, it should be Vive la Resistance, as l' is only used when the noun starts with a vowel.

[MrWhereItsAt]

Well, when the noun starts with a silent vowel, anyway. (And don't ask me for any examples either. )

[Aro]

Only the headline is green to me.
And, UnOrtho, another excellent report. The interview with the French government deserves the Banana Pulitzer!

[jdjdjd]

Excellent paper again.

Oh ad sticking out your tongue is an offense in Here It Is.

[GodKing]

Guess I didn't make the cut.....
no big deal as it wasn't very good....
Bad night for writing that was.....

[GhengisFarb™]

Shiber added that many have been insulted by the change of the name of this once grand city at the foot of the Great Rift, from Paris to Here It Is. Still others have been confused as to exactly what it is that is here. These same persons are still having problems understanding where exactly President MrWhereItsAt, is at and what it is that is at there;

My favorite part as I can sympathize with them........

[UnOrthOdOx]

Originally posted by GodKing
Guess I didn't make the cut.....
no big deal as it wasn't very good....
Bad night for writing that was.....

Your letter is in there. I made it a letter cause I couldn't think of a title. Was there another one?

Or did you miss this was a 2 page edition because of length?

[Trevman]

Originally posted by MrWhereItsAt
Well, when the noun starts with a silent vowel, anyway. (And don't ask me for any examples either. )

L'heure

[SABRA]

Great

[Kuciwalker]

MWIA - you mean a silent consonant, of which I believe there is only one, h, and sometimes not even that.

[MrWhereItsAt]

Originally posted by skywalker
MWIA - you mean a silent consonant, of which I believe there is only one, h, and sometimes not even that.

/Sigh/

Whoops.

My bad. Another one.

[GhengisFarb™]

French Capitol held breifly
Army suffers first loss

Perhaps the title should add "and briefly again, and yet again, and...)

NEW FRENCH TOURISM BROCHURES:

France, the Land of 1000 Capitols.

[Shiber]

[adaMada]

That's got to go as an Advertisement in the next paper, .

-- adaMada