The Jungle Gazette: Volme XVIII

[UnOrthOdOx]

THE JUNGLE GAZETTE

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Your light in the Jungle - Sept 21, 260 AD


New Government takes office
Former President located after absense

The closing moments of the election marked a time of celebration on all sides. In a strange maneuver to some, though. MrWhereItsAt soon disappeared not to be seen from for several days. Speculation abounded, but it MrWhereItsAt was soon found lying naked along the shores near HereItIs. In a drunken stupor, and making little sense, it was gathered that he had met with some 'French Maids' before raiding his personal liquor cabinet. Many were relieved to have him back, scandal and all. MrWhereItsAt is refusing to comment on the situation, not for lack of desire, but from a lack of memory. The new administration was able to move forward with the induction ceremonies despite the former Presidents absense, however, and were sworn in on Wednsday morning. The new administration is:

Executive Branch
President: OPD Vice President: Apocalypse

Ministers
Foreign Affairs Minister: Togas

Supreme Military Commander: Aggie

Minister of Economy: Reddawg

Minister of Science: Thud

Minister of Imperial Expansion: GhengisFarb

Minister of Public Works: WhiteBandit

City Planner: GodKing

- UnOrthOdOx


Great Wonder built
Great Leader put to use

Ramses went to work shortly after emerging from the battles in Persia. Writing a great novel entitled Sun-Tzu's Art of War, enabling Apolytonia their first Wonder of the World. The novel will serve as required reading for all leaders within the military, and also for any of the literate soldiers. It marks methods and strategy for engaging in battle, and brings order to the ranks of the army. Our troops are now sure to be well trained, plus they now have a method of constructing a barracks in each of our cities for the training of new soldiers simply by the distribution of the Art of War. Let the World marvel at the might of Apolytonia!

- UnOrthOdOx

New technology achieved
Military to recieve upgrade

Through our emmissaries once again, we were able to obtain Chivalry from the Romans. "Chivalry, in itself is more a code of honor for our warriors. The TRUE discovery was in the design of the saddle." Claimed Thud, our new Science Minister "See, these little items here are called stirrups. They allow for the rider to actually STAND while atop his steed. This allows him to swing his sword with more ease while atop his mount. The results are that the sword will strike its target while at the peak of the power of the swing. This allows our swordsmen to become more POWERFULL, FASTER, and have a greater DEFENSE. This is truly the height of military technology."

- UnOrthOdOx

Note from the editor

I am pleased to announce that this issue marks our 2000 year anneversary. I would like to thank all that have made this a possibility, including Tassadar5000, Donal Graeme, Shiber, GodKing, jdjdjd, White Bandit, The Viking, MrWhereItsAt, GhengisFarb, Davout, and any others that have submitted I may have missed. I especially would like to thank all Ministers for taking the time for my interviews. After my own time in office, I know how hard that must have been. And, most importantly, I wish to thank our readers, who's constant support, both public and in private have kept this going above all else. Should anyone wish to help out with taking over the Wed editions, please PM me, and we will discuss the particulars. Thank you all for making this a success!

- UnORthOdOx


Interview with General Ramses (Retired)
by WhiteBandit

As many know, I am the head of what some would consider the "armpit" of our government. However, this position is not really as bad and dreary as some would make it out to be! While working along our nation's roads and jungles, I am able to meet quite a variety of people. I travel quite a bit more (throughout our country at least) than most people will ever travel in their lifetimes. As such, I figured I can probably relay some of my adventures that happened during the third term.

In our continuing war with Persia, a warrior distinguished himself above the rest, took charge and commanded our troops to victory over the hated Persians. Time went by and our hero pondered whether or not he should contribute to our great nation, and if so, what should he contribute? Ultimately, General Ramses went on to build a new great wonder, Sun Tzu's Art of War in Ubergorsk.

Earlier this week while fixing some potholes caused by our new horse units outside of Ubergorsk, I had the chance to talk with the now retired General and find out what he thinks of civilian life.

WB: Good day General. How are you enjoying the comforts of civilian life?
R: Well I'm enjoying it quite thoroughly! Being a retired war hero has its advantages however.

WB: How so?
R: How many citizens are able to drink the finest wine? Decorate their houses with the most expensive Ivory? I can do nothing for the rest of my life! This is great! People stop me on the street to ask for my autograph, or even ask to touch me! It is wonderful!

WB: Well you are a war hero who contributed a great deed to our nation.
R: It was nothing really. Simply returning the love and concern that my nation has shown me through all these years.

WB: Well let's talk about some rumors shall we?
R: Oh yes! This will be fun!

WB: I believe while conducting our orders recently, our (at the time) President-Elect OPD was looking over some plans to ensure a smooth transition of our government. Somehow, he came across your uniform and called this into question.
R: What are you talking about?

WB: I believe the exact phrase that OPD used was "Why the [deleted] is Ramses wearing a dress?!?"
R: Haha! Oh my, that is quite funny! Poor OPD. It goes back years ago to when we were wee little lads.

WB: You and OPD went to school together?
R: Yes! But this negative infatuation he has with dresses stems from an incident at a school dance. We were somewhat close friends. We decided to go to the dance together-

WB: You and OPD went to a dance together???
R: No! I meant together, like we went at the same time! Not together as in he was my date! Anyways, he came over to get me. I decided it would be funny to go to the dance dressed up as a girl. So I put on a grass skirt. When he came saw what I was wearing, he wasn't happy at all. His face turned red and he yelled, "I can't believe you!" Then he stormed off. That was it! Haven't spoken to him since. It's been years!!! All over a grass skirt. Evidently the rumor has it that he doesn't like anyone (even ladies) wearing skirts! I must have made quite an impact on him.

WB: How did you ultimately decide to build Sun Tzu's Art of War?
R: Well WB, it wasn't that difficult. I am a man of the military. Serving all my life in the military under the command of SMC Uberkrux and SMC Jr. Aggie, I knew how conditions truly were down in the trenches. Only a few of our troops who came from the "core region" so to speak, were properly trained. The rest of our men were green horns. I'm quite surprised we have faired as well as we have. So when it came time to decide what I could contribute, a stronger military was the first thing on my mind.

WB: There was quite a bit of controversy over what you should do though. Did this affect you in anyway?
R: Well parts of the population wanted me to command an army, but you know what? I've had enough of being in the field. I've seen enough death and blood in my life and it isn't pleasant. These people who thought it would be best that I go back out to kill have probably never dealt with death. They are detached from reality, yet obsessed with violence! I imagine these sorts of people even sit around and gamble on that horrible and violent Jungle Ball "sport." This society is obsessed with violence! I thought we should do something to help promote our cause and make us more civil.

WB: But you ended up building "The Art of War," don't you find that hypocritical?
R: How so?

WB: Well first you condemn violence and say what a sad state our nation is in, then you go and build a type of university that trains people in the art of killing.
R: Well it's supposed to make killing more efficient and less violent! I figure the less blood our soldiers have to see, the better!

WB: But wouldn't it be easier to become an advocate for peace, and use your prestige to help spread your message? Why, with your fame, you could have become President!
R: Hah! Who remembers anyone who is a peace activist? They are just jealous because they don't know how to fight!

WB: But you concede this is a violent society?
R: Yes! But if everyone is violent, everyone will be too afraid to be violent because people might be violent towards them. So it all cancels each other out.

WB: Hmm, quite an interesting point of view General. I think that completes our interview. Is there anything you'd like to add?
R: Interview? Who all is going to see this?

WB: Why only every literate member of our fine nation. It shall be printed in the Jungle Gazette!
R: Fabulous! Tell everyone to come to Ubergorsk and spend their hard earned Lytons on me! They are indebted to me! I saved their children and the insured a future for our nation! I am a hero! A God!

WB: Err... I was just kidding. No one is going to see this.
R: What! That's it! [deleted]. I'm going to [deleted] you [deleted]! [deleted] [deleted] [deleted] and [deleted] to your [deleted] [deleted]!! You're such a horrible [deleted]. [deleted] to you and your [deleted]. [deleted]!

As you can see, Ramses is an incrediably friendly person that I hope many people have the pleasure of meeting! Our society owes him a great deal. Before I was thrown out of his house, he did proclaim his gratefulness for President MrWIA's leadership and SMC Aggie's brilliant command, saying he was thankful that he had the opportunity to work under them. And then he ended with, "You [deleted] [deleted], they would never [deleted] pull such a mean [deleted] prank on me! [deleted]!!"


Crossword Clues
By Davout

Horizontal
1. Legendary President
2. Vacations for diplomats
3. In the eye
4. Convenient for kicking

Vertical
1. Kiwi
2. Holly days for UberKruX
3. In the garden
4. Political animal

[UnOrthOdOx]

I apologize for the short length. I had two other interviews that were unabeto get back with me in time. They will appear in the next edition...

btw. Anyone else not seeing avatars suddenly?

[GodKing]

Unortho - the avatars are off temporarily due to markg and danq wanting the extra memory to have a chat with firaxis about PtW comming out late next month.

No big deal on how short it is. I along with others have not been able to contribute as much as we would like in recent time. Soon i hope to have some breathing room.....

[adaMada]

Awsome issue! Wonderful work as is normal, UnOrthO!

-- adaMada

EDIT: Oh yea, in a few weeks, after things calm down a bit, I'd love to contribute a few articles. If I don't come forth and do any on my own (the forgetful will inherit the earth! ), or if there's any specific article you'd like me to do, feel free to ask me to do one once the Directory's up and rolling.

[Aro]

UnOrthO, the Jungle Gazette is fantastic, as always. Btw, the interview is amazing!

[theViking]

Originally posted by Aro
UnOrthO, the Jungle Gazette is fantastic, as always. Btw, the interview is amazing!

I like this paper, when will we get a daily version?

[UnOrthOdOx]

Originally posted by theViking


I like this paper, when will we get a daily version?

When I have a staff of hundreds, I get paid in US $ not Lytons, or someone perfects human cloning.