THE JUNGLE GAZETTE
Your Light in the Jungle Since 1730 BC - 1100 AD
Shaka invades!
Zululand betrays trade agreements, or simple misunderstanding?
To the shock of nearly the entire nation, Shaka declared war on Apolytonia, landing a battalion of 2,000 of his legendary Impi warriors on our shores. Thud was quick to react, though, soon ridding our lands of the Zulu forces. What is troublesome to many is what could have provoked such an action from our neighbors. The fact is that trades have been open and plentiful between our two nations, and Shaka was giving 48 gold per turn and a supply of gems in exchange for the knowledge of medicine. Could Shaka have merely wanted out of this arrangement? Many claim that it would stand to reason that this is indeed the motive behind the declaration, but this reporter believes that there is another cause.
Having the oportunity to spend several hundred years in the company of Shaka has led me to believe that he is an honorable man. There is no way that he would break a treaty to simply get out of his obligations. And, after much research, I believe that I have uncovered what DID in fact cause Shaka to this hasty action. Speaking from experience, I can say that it takes a long time for our rather...Sizeable?..navy to bring word from apolyton to the shores of Zululand. Why do you think the supoly of Gems was so scarce even with the trade agreements in place? It takes roughly 100 years for news to travel from our capitol to Shaka's palace. It is here that lies the problem. Ask yourselves, what happened just over 100 years ago? Our new government took form.
There is no doubt in my mind that the elections here caused Shaka to have no choice but to declare war on us. Why you ask? This statement:
"I'd love to have better relations with Shaka, as long as he doesn't mind Thud landing the military on his island and taking his luxuries. He's just gotta understand, there's no controling those warmongers after they taste blood." - adaMada
In this one fail swoop, not only does adaMada refer to us as a nation of bloodthirsty warmongers, but he also claims that we have plans to ivade Zululand and vilently take the Gems, the only source of pride for Shaka, out from under their grasp. What did you expect Shaka to do when he recieved word of this, belatedly. It is history to us, but at the time of the war declaration would have been breaking news in Zululand.
- UnOrthOdOx
Government brought to stand-still
American influence hinders progress
In what must be the most blatant argument for the Apolytonian Racial Elitists, our very own government was brought to it's knees this week. With nearly every elected official claiming to be celebrating some thing they called thanksgiving, all governmental functions have ceased! Research has provided some frightening facts.
"Thanksgiving", it seems, is an American holiday that begins with a mass slaughtering of some giant bird that has been bred to be so voluminous that is is even unable to fly. Some even claim it a 'sport' to go and hunt these hapless birds. Once put to their deaths, these birds are soon stuffed and cooked to become the center of a strange ritual engorging that leaves the masses unable to move for hours, if not days. The shear amount of food prepared to this decadent feast is often enough to feed entire families for days.
The true afront, though, comes after this feast has ended. It is then, after the masses have recovered from this engorging that they pay an unusual amount of homage to what they call a 'pumpkin'. This is some large, orange gourd that is baked into a pie. It is here that this 'Pumpkin' is treated with reverence, and at times even worshipped as the people partake of the pumpkin pie. This can be seen as nothing less than an afront to the almighty Banana itself!
"It is only now that we have begun to see the effects that the A.R.E. had warned people of so many years ago." Duddha, the A.R.E. founder, claims. "Not only is it now obvious that the American way of life has somehow influenced our very populous, but it has seeped it's way into the very foundation of our government, weakening the pure Apolytonian blood that once ran strong through our ranks, and weakening us, as a nation. It is aparant, also, that other nations have come to see this as well. I find it no surprise that the Zulu chose to declare the war at a time when our entire government was on 'vacation' celebrating this pathetic American holiday."
- UnOrthOdOx
Gazette Sports
JungleBall -- Week 12
Week 12 Recap:
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Ubergorsk Irons 80
Timeline 83
Top scorers:
UBERGORSK: Shawn Alexander (26), Marty Booker (15)
TIMELINE: Joey Galloway (26), Daunte Culpepper (23)
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Apolytonia Archers 98
Del Monte Ranchers 72
Top Scorers:
APOLYTONIA: Warrick Dunn (22), Michael Vick (20), Baltimore Defense (19)
DEL MONTE: Tom Brady (20), Amani Toomer (17)
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Banana (HQ) Peels 52
Here It Is Winos 96
Top Scorers:
BANANA (HQ): Charlie Garner (22), Kurt Warner (19)
HERE IT IS: Terrell Owens (28), Jeff Garcia (21), Tiki Barber (21)
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Termina Trip 101
Geofront Evas 79
Top Scorers:
TERMINA: Atlanta Defense (36), Hines Ward (21), Clinton Portis (20)
GEOFRONT: Ricky Williams (26), Rich Gannon (25)
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Chiquita Bananas 111
Jerusalem Pickers 27
Top Scorers
CHIQUITA: Priest Holmes (48)
JERUSALEM: Aaron Brooks (11)
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JungleBall - Week 13
| Rank | Team Name | W-L-T | Win % | PTS | Streak |
| 1 | Termina Trip | 9-2-1 | .792 | 1153.00 | W-7 |
| 2 | Geofront Evas | 8-4-0 | .667 | 1058.00 | L-1 |
| 3 | Chiquita Bananas | 7-5-0 | .583 | 955.00 | W-2 |
| 4 | Ubergorsk Irons | 6-6-0 | .500 | 890.00 | L-2 |
| 5 | Here It Is Winos | 5-6-1 | .458 | 903.00 | W-1 |
| 6 | Apolytonia Archers | 5-7-0 | .417 | 1063.00 | W-4 |
| 7 | Banana (HQ) Peels | 5-7-0 | .417 | 868.00 | L-1 |
| 8 | Del Monte Ranchers | 5-7-0 | .417 | 826.00 | L-3 |
| 9 | Timeline | 4-7-1 | .375 | 875.00 | W-1 |
| 10 | Jerusalem Pickers | 4-7-1 | .375 | 869.00 | L-2 |
* Wins-Losses-ties |
Week 13 Preview:
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In what may well be a preview of the first round of the playoffs, the top six teams play each other while the bottom four face off. This will be a very important week for several teams: Ubergorsk, if they want to secure themselves a playoff slot and stop their downward slide; Geofront, if they want to keep their position as #2; Apolytonia, if they want to continue their four game winning streak, and Here it Is, as they'll be battling for a playoff slot.
The matchups for week 13 are:
Ubergorsk Irons vs Here It Is Winos
Apolytonia Archers vs Termina Trip
Banana (HQ) Peels vs Del Monte Ranchers
Chiquita Bananas vs Geofront Evas
Timeline vs Jerusalem Pickers
-- adaMada --
