my life...

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 02:51

Very few of you know me, and probably nobody here knows the real me. Very few people do, in fact I'm not sure if I know myself all of the time or not. I'm just really feeling depressed tonight, and I thought I'd vent some. For whatever reason, I have formed a bond with this place, and it is my own personal version of the bar in cheers.

Anyways, I'm 25 (i'll be 26 soon), and the choices I've made have really resulted in quite a bit of hardship, soul searching, and loss for me. Right now I feel like I've almost lost everything. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm stuck in an impossible situation. It really seems like there are no good choices to remedy any of my problems. All I know to do is to keep on stumbling through the darkness that is my life. I'm sorry this is so vague, but I need to keep it like that for now. Maybe when it's worked itself out I will share.

So any advice? Words of wisdom? Similar times of hardship? thanks

and unfortunantly this isn't an april's fools joke...it feels like it at times, but it isn't

notyoueither · April 1, 2003, 02:55

Woooa. Sorry to hear that korn.

You are using very dark language. Are you sure all you want is banter on a message board? Are there people near you who you could talk to?

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 02:59

nye

unfortunatly no, circumstances (and the war) have taken all of my close friends away for the time being, i'm the kind of person who has very few close friends but many aquaintences, and for whatever reason i feel better about opening up on here than to people i barely know in real life

i'll tell you had bad it is, i've been too depressed (plus busy) to play computer games lol

notyoueither · April 1, 2003, 03:03

That's bad.

But seriously, how about a professional who you don't know from Adam? Go ahead, tell them you dress up in sheep skins and prance around by the light of the moon, I doubt they'd bat too many eye lashes. Unless they're a Kiwi. That might have unfortunate consequences.

That last bit was back to not so serious, btw.

Ted Striker · April 1, 2003, 03:03

Yo.

Can you see a light at the end of the tunnel?

Urban Ranger · April 1, 2003, 03:06

It can't be that bad. I have a friend who used to make US$125 an hour at the height of the dotcom craze. That's not a consulting job that's a regular job. Now that he has been out of work for more than 2 years.

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:09

nye

thanks for the advice, i'm not suicidal but i've inflicted some major crisies on myself, and at times like tonight i just feel really down, whereas most of the time it is just something that gnaws at me, there's not much a professional could really do for me as far as mental health goes, because it isn't particularly a mental health issue

ted striker

much of the time i do have hope, and see like pinpricks of light out there, but everytime it seems that things are working out i have the bottom fall out on me again

like over the 10 months or so, i've seen the light at the end of the tunnel quite a few times, but it would always end up being a metaphorical train that'd run me over again

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:11

ur

it is actually pretty bad, and in some ways i'd say it's worse than the situation your friend finds themself in, though I do admit that is quite a horrible situation for your friend

Loif · April 1, 2003, 03:12

Korn, I don't know of the hardships of which you speak but I'm sure that most people here have been through similar circumstances. I could be wrong though. I don't know what your circumstances are. Suffice it to say though, my life hasn't always been peaches and cream. It is pretty nice now, but that's only because I'm older and have some life experience I guess. I'm hoping that your circumstances aren't life threatening. Sorry if this comes off sounding light and fluffy. It isn't meant to be. I'm not around very often but I'm available tonight if you need to talk, through this thread or private messaging.

notyoueither · April 1, 2003, 03:13

Apologies for the attempt at humour.

I take it the problem is career. Or is there more than one problem?

Donegeal · April 1, 2003, 03:18

Well Korn, to give you a bright spot, you are still most wellcome to come to the private forum that the Crown and banner give you privaliage (damn I cant speel) to view. We are at the point where we are soon to be managing our own cities. It should be quiet fun.

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:18

Loif

so when things were at their worst how did you overcome them? What thing helped you make it? I write, and that has helped alot, but sometimes it's just not enough.

nye

it is a combination of problems, but the most pressing ones are legal in nature

EDIT:
Donegeal

I actually checked the forum out a few days ago, but for the moment i really have no heart to play ptw or anyother game for that matter, but if i get it back before the game is over i will definantly participate once again

notyoueither · April 1, 2003, 03:23

Legal problems? That's not pleasant.

Do you have any control, or is it out of your hands?

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:25

nye

completely out of my hands

Donegeal · April 1, 2003, 03:26

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
it is a combination of problems, but the most pressing ones are legal in nature

I work with law in RL (criminal law anyway). Let me know if/what I could do.

Kramerman · April 1, 2003, 03:28

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
nye

unfortunatly no, circumstances (and the war) have taken all of my close friends away for the time being, i'm the kind of person who has very few close friends but many aquaintences, and for whatever reason i feel better about opening up on here than to people i barely know in real life

i'll tell you had bad it is, i've been too depressed (plus busy) to play computer games lol

I am much the same way right now myself. I have few close friends but many aquaintances that i cant just open up to. I am in kinda of a dark time that has seemed to have just been looming for the past semester. It would occasionally go away, but it would just come back adn linger some more. I know some of the causes, there are many more than one, but im not sure if there are more still... I will not admit i am depressed, i really dont think i am, but... i dunno.

Its just my future is uncertain, i am rapidly approaching a huge, major crossroads in my life, and there is soo much uncertainty. this causes much anxiety. there is a girl i cant get over... this is causing emotional ****. And then other stuff too. I think about it, and it takes up time, and distracts me from my studies, my grades have been suffering as a result. this has just added to the tumult.

The only thing that keeps from slipping into depression are all the things i have going for me, and these are the things that even make me happy on occasion. My one word of advise is perhaps you should examine the things in your life that make you happy, feel special. Do you ahve any talents that set you apart? do you have any skills where you are among the elite? Do you have a family who is always there? Friends? What do you have going for you, what positive possibilities do you see in your fututre? these are all things i have examined, adn it seems to help, at least for some time, enough to give me a respite anyway.

good luck

Willem · April 1, 2003, 03:31

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
Similar times of hardship? thanks

Well you're not alone Korn, check out my latest trials and tribulations:

Stupid Accident !

They say misery loves company, so maybe my problems will make you feel a bit more positive about yours. In the blink of an eye my whole life has been turned upside down.

notyoueither · April 1, 2003, 03:33

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
nye

completely out of my hands

Do you have any goals? Any place you want to get to when you get through your problems?

Donegeal · April 1, 2003, 03:34

Korn, my I am not sure my PM works while I am at work, so I don't know if you got my message...

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:36

Kramerman

in many ways your college experience sounds like my early bad times. When I graduated from high school, I had managed to earn a 4 year air force scholarship, not through any real effort into my school work (far far from it!) but because of natural intelligence that let me get good grades even when i did jack ****. My family life sucked so bad, and even though at that point in my life I had no desire to be in the air force and I had no direction in life I wanted to get away from the problems at home. Needless to say it didn't turn out well, not because of failure, (i was actually doing well in the program but i was only a semester into it) but because I had no desire to follow through with it. At the time it was something that I had no desire to pursue. After that misstep, I was totally side tracked in my studies at a community college, and I did poorly because I couldn't get it together enough to goto classes. I finally dropped out, and spent a year working, being a roadie for a band, and partying my ass off. Though ultimately that wasn't what I wanted to do I wanted to be successful, and to me success meant a college education, so I went back to school...

Loif · April 1, 2003, 03:37

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
Loif

so when things were at their worst how did you overcome them? What thing helped you make it? I write, and that has helped alot, but sometimes it's just not enough.

nye

it is a combination of problems, but the most pressing ones are legal in nature

EDIT:
Donegeal

I actually checked the forum out a few days ago, but for the moment i really have no heart to play ptw or anyother game for that matter, but if i get it back before the game is over i will definantly participate once again

Sorry, I was away for a few minutes. I talked to others about things. It helped, once I was able to get humble about my life.

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:38

donegeal

i didn't get your pm

Willem

that truly sucks! i'm sorry an accident like that could side track your entire life

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:43

krammerman

anyways, I went back to school, and after a year of drinking, smoking pot on occasions, and popping far too many effedrine(sp?), I completely gave up being wild and I focused on being healthy and making it through college. I was doing quite well at the first part of the semester. I had became a vegan, was excising all the time, and I was going to every class for the first time in my life. I then caught pnuemonia from this girl I made out with. I didn't have health insurance and I have a fear of doctors. I didn't realize how sick I was, until the next thing I knew I'd missed a month of classes and went from like 155 to like 135 (i'm 5'8). I sank into quite a depression and instead of withdrawing from classes, I tried to make up all of the work but I was too far behind and I got F's in everything, which was quite a humbling experience...

Donegeal · April 1, 2003, 03:46

Well, I'll tell you here. I am not a lawyer, I am an Officer at the local Sheriff's department. I might not be able to defend you, but I could help explain whats going on.

Loif · April 1, 2003, 03:47

Were you able to make up the credits? I know how stressful university is. Granted I'm older, but I only finished my degree a few years ago so I DO remember stress and failed courses and such. I hope you are feeling better health wise.

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:49

I thought I could go back and get everything on track. I had some, but not much faith in myself. I didn't really realize how depressed I was. So the spring semester started and things were going decently. Until one of my teachers confronted me about being 5 minutes late to class. She told me if I was late again not to come back. During this time my best friend got pregnant. When everything was said and done, I was the one who helped her work all of that out, and because of that I had to miss some classes. I couldn't face going back, so I didn't. I was begining to feel really down. Then I was suddenly hit with some unexpected bills, and my college called me and told me that I owed them an extra 1500 dollars on top of everything. So like a million bad things hit at once, and I snapped. I laid in my floor for like a week, not eating, not sleeping, not moving, just contemplating pulling a heaven's gate. I had never been that close to suicide before, nor have I ever been that close to it since...

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:50

donegeal

oh ok i gotcha, well i pretty much have all of that end worked out

Willem · April 1, 2003, 03:53

Quote:

Originally posted by korn469
donegeal

i didn't get your pm

Willem

that truly sucks! i'm sorry an accident like that could side track your entire life

Yeah it's a ***** but what can I do? It won't be the first time I've started all over at any rate. Maybe it's just as well, I was getting rather tired of it; to much stress and to many lies I had to tell. And I've lost one friend because of it, and almost another. And like you, I don't have very many either, so I hate losing the few I have. Plus I was getting really lazy and complacent. Although I wasn't making alot, it was easy money, and I always had something to smoke. I don't consider pot harmful at all, but it does tend to stifle people's ambitions, especially if you do it all the time.

I'm not sure what's going to happen financially, I'm thinking right now I might have to declare bankruptcy. I'd been planning for the past year on getting back into cooking, something I used to do many years ago, but the pay is going to suck for a few years until I get some experience under my belt again. And I don't see how I'm going to manage to pay off my student loans and my credit card debts on a minimum wage.

korn469 · April 1, 2003, 03:57

What actually helped me pull out of my depression, was falling in a freezing river right after a snow. I was walking in the woods with one of my friends and we saw this whirlpool, so I decided to touch the bubbles, and next thing I knew I was in freezing water. For the first time in many months every single cell in my body wanted to be alive. I caught myself on a rock before I went over a small waterfall that would have dropped me about 6-8 feet down onto some jagged rocks, though I slipped when I was crawling up. I then grabbed on again somehow, and all of my willpower let me fight through it, and when I climbed onto the opposite shore I knew I wanted to live. I almost got hypothermia, but I was alive. As we were hurrying back to the car though, the funniest thing happened. We passed this one group of people who smelled like pot, then five minutes later we passed another group of people who smelled like cheesies. It was like the first group had just toked, and the second group had toked earlier and was in the munchie stage. My senses felt unnaturally strong after that had happened...

Willem · April 1, 2003, 03:59

One good thing though, I'm not an Iraqi. If you get really bummed out, just remember that they have it much worse than you do right now.