The funniest thing to happen to me in a long time: The Bible Ninja Saga

[Richard Bruns]

Last Thursday about 10:30, I was going to sleep (slowly, I have a bit of insomnia) while my roommate was still up. He left the door open because he "doesn't like feeling confined."

I was stretched out on my stomach with my hands down at my sides. Suddenly, I felt a small book in my right hand. I turned about and saw someone racing out of the room. I obviously didn't have my glasses on, but the figure seemed tall, male, and blond.

I looked down to see that I was holding one of those green Gideon bibles that is just the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I asked my roommate about the guy, but he had been getting something out of his dresser and had had not seen the guy. People in the hallway had seen a guy racing away but could not describe him in detail.

When I told the creative writing club about this the next day during our informal chatty meeting, they dubbed him the "Bible Ninja."

I wanted to hear what this guy had to say, so I printed off a sign and put it on my door:

To the person who put the Bible in my hand on Thursday: I am really curious about your intentions. Was this a wierd joke or do you really think I need it. Either way, I'd like to talk. E-mail ---, call ---, or just stop by when I am not sleeping.

On Monday, I came back into my room to find this sign ripped off the door, folded, and placed on my computer keyboard. I asked my roommate about this, and he said that he had left the door open for about five minutes while he went out.

I later discovered that, during this time, the Bible Ninja had turned on my computer, set my browser homepage to www.gideons.org, and turned off my computer again. And yes, I have given my freshman roommate a couple of rather stern lectures about keeping the doors closed and locked when he is not in.

On Monday afternoon, I received the following e-mail message from a Yahoo account that had been created that day:

SO...I have heard that you want to know who I am. Well I personally think that a better question would be, who are you. Have you thought that maybe the Bible was symbolistic? Is everything in your life going ok cause you seem like a troubled person. Is there something that you need to talk to someone about? Its ok, everyone has problems. You can admitt it, there isnt a reason to be ashamed. Oh well. Until next time.............

To which I replied:

You must have heard wrong, because I never said that I wanted to know who you are. What the sign said was that I am curious about your intentions and wanted to talk.

So I seem like a troubled person, do I? What makes you think that? What is it about me that made you want to deliver that thing? And why didn't you just hand it to me face to face, instead of sneaking around like a thief in the night?

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open."

--Luke 8:16-17

On Monday evening I got this message:

Could it be that you have absolutly no idea of what you are talking about?
Could it be that you have no idea how anyone sees you? Are you a happy
person? Do you have ANY friends? Do you get along well with others?
Maybe your soul isnt trouble about yourself...maybe other people are trouble
with you...

And I responded with:

Obviously I don't know how you see me. That's why I asked you to enlighten me. Give me specifics, not vague generalities. If you are troubled about me, tell me why. Do you think I am a sad, disturbed person because I go to sleep early and don't like drinking or going to parties?

And you probably don't believe me, but I do have friends, both in Reynolds and scattered about the college. I routinely keep in contact with a group of friends from high school. I simply, like any person, tend to make friends with people who are like me. And admittedly, these people are a bit rare. But they do make good friends.

Then, on Tuesday, I received this:

Richard,

What do you think is wrong with your life?

My reply:

I don't think anything is wrong with my life. Compared to just about everybody who has ever lived, I exist in a paradise. I have plenty of food, shelter, clothing, and other necessities. I do not live in fear of war, plague, violence, or famine. God has blessed me with good health and a good family, as well as the opportunity to educate myself and feed my intellect and curiosity. I am almost completely free of stress and other emotional turmoil. My life is well ordered and comfortable. In fact, you are the most bizarre and disturbing thing that has happened to me in a long time.

If you are indeed a Christian, you must know that the signs and qualities of the Holy Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you wish to convince me that something is wrong with me, you must show how I lack these qualities.

As you may have guessed, I already have a Bible. It is a nice one, and I carried it all over Europe, reading it in places from cathedrals to youth hostels. I would like to return your Bible to you, so that you can give it to someone who needs it more. It might also be nice to talk to you in person. If you really want to tell me something, it would be far more effective to come out of hiding and meet me openly and honestly.

When I sent this message, my email system reloaded and I then saw this in my inbox:

Wassssssssssssssssup RICHARDO? How was your day? Did you feel better after your run this morning? Does it help you feel like a person with meaning? Do you think about how lonely you are while you are running? Or is it when you rush from place to place? What do you dream about? Its funny that you say you have friends. I bet you would like to have friends. I feel sorry for you.....

The text was actually interspersed with emoticons, which would be too much trouble to duplicate. I replied with:

Our emails crossed. You think I am a disturbed person because I enjoy a morning jog? Exactly how do you equate cardiovascular fitness with a lack of spiritual or mental health?

You seem to enjoy making rash judgements about other people, and throwing about insults. Is that the example you wish to send to someone you think needs Christ?

That's the last I've heard, but I expect more e-mails soon. Note that the last e-mail helps give clues to the guy's identity. For a while, I thought that he might be one of my roommate's buddies, but anyone in communication with my roommate would know that I did not in fact go jogging on Tuesday morning. I got up at about 8:30, dressed for class, and left with my books. So whoever is is has observed me enough to form a few cursory impressions, but obviously does not know me well and is not watching too closely. The number of people who routinely get up early enough to see me jog is quite small.

I still have a suspicion that this guy is not in fact a Christian, but is pulling some complicated practical joke. Anyway, I'll keep updates coming as they occur.

[Paul Hanson]

If not for the slightly disturbing bit at the end, that's absolutely hilarious. I have these mental images of a guy dashing around placing bibles into people's hands, then disappearing before they can react.

[MikeH]

Crazy serial killer psycho alert!

[Urban Ranger]

Sign his email account to every spammer under the sun!

[Japher]

Richard, you are so lucky you have a stalker, I always wanted one but am not popular (or interesting) enough to have one. I envy you.

I think you must have something wrong in your life to post this and demand attention the way you do. Does that make you feel better, huh

This guy is a wacko. Get a friend of yours to stalk you too and see if he can't figure out who this guy is... And stop reading your bible everywhere, instead start reading the Tora or Koran, and see what happens...

How us can you mess with this persons head?

[Ari Rahikkala]

I don't think there's any need to mess with the head of this person anymore

[chequita guevara]

You should thank this guy for making your life a little more interesting.

[Verres]

Wouldnt it be funny if this freak turned out to be someone on 'Poly?!

[Japher]

It's probably only one of Che's stalking serial killers... nothing to worry about

[Paul Hanson]

Nah, it's obviously CivNation.

[Japher]

[DanielXY]

He probably wants to be your friend by convincing you, that you have nothing else in your live and really need him

[st_swithin]

Typical serial stalker behaviour. I think I had a similar stalker. I was actually quite fearful that he was trying to kill me, but in retrospect, maybe he thought he was being enlightening.

Although the Bible bit is a little annoying - once you've read it a couple of times, the messages are pretty repetitive and repetitious.

[Richard Bruns]

I got another mail from the Bible Ninja. They just keep getting funnier:

Richard Richard Richard...you are acting like such a freshmen! I thought that you would have been a little more creative than that. Infact, most people who do have some kind of emotional trials in their life try to be alone and do activities that only they can do by theirself. They like to know that no one matters but them and nothing is important except for what is going on in their life...if they even have one. I think that you are a interesting person, but that you do have your own problems. And if you are such a holy-roller of a Christain then why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up? You can have emotional and psychological problems and still be a great Christain. True...going to the Lord will help you deal with it...but you still can have emotional trials in your life.
So what are you going to do with an International Business major? That is your major isnt it?

~My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. ~
~Psalms 55 : 4-6

I know the bible too

My reply:

I've shared your e-mails and actions with my family and friends, and they all agree that you are the troubled one. My mom wanted me to say that she is praying for you. I, on the other hand, am simply laughing at you. Thank you for being so amusing. Your antics have brightened my day. Even though it is probably pointless, the debate will now commence:

Let's go over a few of your mistakes, starting with minor and working up to major ones:

1) I did not go jogging on Tuesday morning.
2) My major is CIS, not IB.
3) I didn't bring up being a Christian until my third e-mail, and I only talked about it in that one message.
4) I am a member in good standing of organizations such as the Karate club and the creative writers' guild, and have many other social activities. You don't gain karate belts by hiding in your room, it requires extensive interaction with the rest of the team.
5) I know that I have no turmoil, emotional or otherwise, in my life.

You will probably continue to insist that I am lying, but what grounds do you have? How long have you known me? Are you a trained psychologist? I continue to ask you for concrete examples, and you continue to fail to provide tham. On what do you base your assertions?

To the people who have replied to this thread:

Originally posted by Urban Ranger
Sign his email account to every spammer under the sun!

That wouldn't help. It is a dummy account he created just for talking to me.

Originally posted by Japher
And stop reading your bible everywhere, instead start reading the Tora or Koran, and see what happens...

I don't read my bible around campus. This guy obviously started with no clue about my faith.

Originally posted by chegitz guevara
You should thank this guy for making your life a little more interesting.

I already have. This guy really has brightened my days.

Originally posted by st_swithin
Typical serial stalker behaviour. I think I had a similar stalker.

I'm not sure he meant to be a stalker. I, not he, initiated the conversation. And I tend to be a fairly visible person; most people seem to remember and recognise me, so it isn't too unusual that he would know about me.

[rah]

My only concern would be that if this kind of stalking is really brightening your day, you really do need to get out a bit more.

[MattH]

Originally posted by rah
My only concern would be that if this kind of stalking is really brightening your day, you really do need to get out a bit more.

Point to ponder...

Plan something for if you discover his identity and you think he doesn't know you're on to him

[Richard Bruns]

I don't think he's a stalker. I don't care about the attention. If anything, it makes me want to be less visible.

I just think it is funny that he is so wrong. Being insulted by an idiot who thinks he is so superior to me is just fun. I suppose it isn't right to mock him like this, but he makes such a nice target.

[BustaMike]

I can kind of see the humor, but if someone snuck into my room and physically messed with my computer, I'd be pretty ****ing pissed off.

It's incredibly easy to set up a hidden camera. Emails are one thing, messing with your stuff is another. I wouldn't be as nice about this as you are.

[Tuberski]

I'd start quoting the satanic bible, of course I don't have one, but............

ACK!

[Richard Bruns]

The Bible Ninja has now followed the standard tactics of cornered debators everywhere and changed the subject. He asked why I use an e-mail address other then the school email. He apparently thinks that I am trying to be dodgy by using a different email, the same way he is.

He probably has trouble with empathy and seperating other people's thoughts and motivations from his own.

I expect other converstaional digressions to follow, as he works to keep his proven mistakes from coming up again. But the benefit of this change is that the email conversation is now almost human. So while this thing may now be lacking in humor value, I think I can actually communicate with the guy. Maybe I can get him into the campus shrink's office, or at least get him to talk to a a reasonable pastor, before this is done.

[chequita guevara]

I just think it's funny soeone would sneak up and slip a Gideon's Bible into your hand and get away without being noticed.

[MattH]

Arrr, seta trap for th' limey bugger! Get yer mates ter watch y' back.

[TheStinger]

Seriously i would call the police. Have you seen any films with bible quoting serial killers.

[FrustratedPoet]

and @ this thread.

Also ... more, more!

[centrifuge]

It is very hard to know whether to laugh or be frightened by this situation.

Maybe this guy is the one without the life... fear of social rejection making him communicate in such a clandestine manner.

[Jack the Bodiless]

It sounds like he could be both Christian and gay.

...Which, depending on what sort of Christian he is, might be a problem. If he "can't" be gay because his faith won't allow it, maybe he's in denial about the real reason he has a fixation on you.

[MattH]

Howabout maybe he's just trying to play a prank?

[centrifuge]

Originally posted by MattH
Howabout maybe he's just trying to play a prank?

That's a good possibility as well

It sounds like it's gone further than expected, however.

[Arrian]

Hmm, your reaction was quite different from what mine would have been.

I would have been freaked out about it, and certainly wouldn't have solicitated more contact the way you did.

In my opinion, it's either a ****ed up prank, or the guy is some sort of freak. Either way, I wouldn't have encouraged it.

I hope for your sake this all ends harmlessly.

-Arrian

[Richard Bruns]

It turns out that this was indeed just a prank. I actually anticipated this with the first sign I left on my door, but then they did such a good job of faking the crazy emails that the possibility diminished form my mind. They intended to give me the Bible and leave it at that, but the sign got them to extend it. I'm glad of the conversation, because now that I know it was a harmless joke there isn't any worry. If they had left it at the bible delivery I probably would have insisted that my roommate keep the door locked.

Still, the situation made a good story.