Some Tips For Cat Sitters

When you show up at their house to sit their cat....

  1. Show up with a Great Mastiff at one hand and a Pit Bull on the other. Casually remark that they haven't eaten in 3 days.
  2. Stink of catnip.
  3. Sneeze uncontrollably whenever the cat is around you, and give it nasty stares.
  4. Show up dressed as a lion tamer. Carry a whip. Whenever the cat comes around, whip the air and shout firmly, "Back, Tabby, back!"
  5. Show up dressed in a luxorious fur coat. Stroke and pet the cat continuously, cooing about how soft and beautiful the cat's fur is.
  6. While you're there, try to convert the cat to your religion. Alternately, insist to the owner that the cat has converted you to its religion.
  7. If the owners are going to be away for a while, ask whether the pet cats are pregnant. Explain that you don't want to have to deliver any kittens. Be loud. Bring this up at least 3 times while the owners are there. If the only cats there are male, bring it up at least 5 times.
  8. Whenever you see the cat, salute. Stand at attention until the cat leaves.
  9. Ask to see the cat's litter box. When it is shown to you, loudly protest, "That's disgusting!" When the owner complains that he/she cleans it daily, explain "But it's too small! How am I going to use it?"
  10. Come with a stuffed animal. Explain that you've taken good care of it for years, so you're the right person to sit their cat.
  11. Stroke the cat's belly; open its mouth and examine its teeth. Peer down its ears and look very satisfied. Measure it with your hands. Explain "that's a fine specimen - but a little small."
  12. Ask whether you need to feed it once or twice a week.
  13. Replace the cat with a dog of similar size and color while the owners are away. When they come home, tell them that the cat was very easy to take care of. When they ask about the dog, explain that the cat crept into a crystalis in the bedroom while they were gone and came out like that.

    For bonus points, empty the kitchen of all food. Leave a tremendous mess. Explain that "Kitty was very hungry."
  14. Try to teach the cat its name.
  15. Squeeze the cat's ball or other toy and chirp, "Pretty bird! Pretty bird!"
  16. Explain to the owners that you make a fabulous lasagne.
  17. Come waving a red cape.
  18. Show up with a huge, grisly scar across your face. Tell a story about a panther deep in the jungle. Explain that you can "handle any cat alive" and that you "speak their language." Offer to open your shirt and show them some jaguar or tiger scars.
  19. Offer to cryogenically freeze their cat for the duration of their abscence. Explain "it'll save me a lot of work."
  20. Tell nasty stories about other cat-sitters in the neighborhood.
  21. When the owners return, praise their cat profusely. State that you will vote for the cat for President next election.
  22. When the owners return, complain that you picked up some very bad habits from their kitty. Threaten to sue for recompensation for the permanent psychological damage done.
  23. Offer to show the owners your "levitating/disappearing white Siberian tiger" magic trick, volunteering their cat for the tiger part. Explain that you learned the trick directly from Sigfried and Roy while cat sitting in Vegas once.
  24. Bow as you enter the door. Thank the cat's owners profusely for inviting you. Tell them that you once knew Andrew Lloyd Weber, and that you've been waiting for a partner to sing and dance with. (A black leotard and thick cat make-up help this one immensely.)
  25. Ask the cat owners if their cat is racist. When questioned why, explain that you're half-mouse.
  26. While the owners are away, take the cat out every night to a restaurant. The fancier that you can get into, the better. (If it helps, dress the cat up.)
  27. Take a midnight-black kitty with you to the house. Couch it cozily in your arms, and stroke it as the owners instruct you. Tell them that the cat is your familiar, and ask whose familiar their cat is.
  28. When the owners return, tell them that they have the stupidest cat on Earth - "not like Felix or Sylvester on T.V.".
  29. When the owners return, have all the furniture replaced with huge upholstered cat toys, scratching posts, etc. Explain that "Kitty liked it better this way."
  30. When the owners return, have the cat dressed in a Cat-in-the-Hat hat and bright red bowtie. If the owners complain to you, reply only in rhyme. Make up words as you need them.
  31. When the owners return, answer the door wearing a party hat. Blow a toy party horn in their faces. Have the cat on the kitchen table, also wearing a party hat, with a huge pink frosted birthday cake, candles and all. Explain that it's their cat's birthday, and ask them if they want a balloon, or to play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey".
  32. Ask questions of the cat's owners about the cat's pedigree. If they can't provide any answers, act disgusted and turn your nose in the air. Call their cat "common". Explain that you can trace your cat's pedigree "all the way back to Puss-In-Boots."
  33. When you meet the cat for the first time, go on and on about how wonderful it is. Ask the owners for cloning rights.
  34. This one takes a little preperation. Go to the house dressed in a painter's jacket, wearing a beret and sunglasses, and carrying a cheap camera. When they answer the door, burst in suddenly and begin taking photographs of them and their house from all different angles. Stop and exclaim, in a faux French accent, "Ah! I have caught you offguard! This is half the art of the photographer!" Then scurry out the door, shutting it behind you. Immediately remove the jacket, shades and beret, hide the camera, slick back your hair, and knock on the door or ring the doorbell again. Act as if nothing happened.
  35. Prepare business cards proclaiming you as "World-Famous Cat-Sitter!" If you can, adding fancies like holograms or gold lettering is a plus. If you can't, little foil star stickers will work just as well.
  36. Ask whether their cat has stopped teething, when it needs to be put to bed, what kind of solution it takes, etcetera.
  37. The first time that the cat mewls, yowls, purrs or meows, leap back horrified and insist that "the devil has that cat!"
  38. Explain that you have a government grant for a scientific probability experiment testing the old adage that a cat always lands on its feet. Ask them how far they'll allow you to drop their cat.
  39. Explain that you represent a pet food company. Survey the cat about its taste preferences.
  40. Ask if there are any Barbies or dress-up clothes in the house for you to play with.
  41. Show up wearing a Viking helmet on your head and noisily consuming a chicken leg. Ask for refigerator-raiding rights. (And if they give them to you, please, make them wish that they hadn't.)
  42. Bring bottles and bottles of medication with you to the house. String them together and tie them around your neck or something. If the owners so much as glance at them, go into a longwinded explanation about the various ailments and disabilities that require you to carry so much medicine around. Tell them, "not to worry, not to worry; the bottles have kitty-safe caps."
  43. As the first thing that you do after you enter the house, kneel down and mutter, "Heeere, kitty, kitty, kitty... Heeere, kitty, kitty, kitty..." in as menacing a voice as possible.
  44. Everytime the cat brushes against your pant leg, bend over and suspiciously examine your clothes. Explain that any dry cleaning bills are the responsibility of the pet owner.
  45. Ask whether their feline has been neutered or spayed. If not, offer to perform the operation for them.
  46. Insist that you see/hear/smell two or three cats, instead of one, and threaten to charge your two-cat fee.
  47. If you're an ailurophobe, you can always take the phrase "cat sitting" completely literally....
  48. When the owner first introduces you to the cat, say, "Aww! It has your eyes!"

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