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The Pumpkinification of Onideus Mad Hatter, by Seneca
Before all the people of the City, to prove this, together had the Senate all assembled in the temples of Jupiter for the deification ceremony, and to dedicate the statue of the new god. Hardly had the smokes of his pyre cleared before the smokes of the forge, although the smoke never cleared from the minds of the muttering Senators, and many of the paid mourners, among their tears, attested with wags of their heads that the smoke would never clear entirely from their eyes. The glorious golden statue of the new god was carried into the temple by five hundred naked Nubians, each with insignia indelibly burned in their stomachs by the order of the gods (the Emperor's heir had proclaimed that they were emblazoned on the Nubians by Jupiter himself, although privately among his friends he confessed it was done by him personally in his mother's under-things, using boiling dung and a brush of asses'-tail.) Once the statue was set on its pedestal, the Nubian with the raincloud stigmata saluted the Senate, and delivered a brief speech almost worthy of Cicero (had Cicero been a Nubian.) Then the Nubian scarred with the sign of the happy star unjessed a brillant-plumed falcon and threw it up, as if it were to messenger to the gods themselves. The falcon swooped about the great golden statue of Onideus seven times, and on the sixth time deposited its droppings directly upon him. All present agreed it was a most fortunate omen. The Nubians were then taken to the back room, awarded Roman citizenship, and then raped anally. The emperor's golden diaper shining gloriously, the assembled holy men and politicians concluded the ceremony in his light, inducting Onideus Mad Hatter to the holy pantheon. There may or may not have been incense - I don't remember - but there were lots of donuts. At the height of the ceremony, the Senators hiked up their skirts, and abused themselves in the manner that the late Emperor had taught them. Then, stuffing their mouths with their own tongues, further perverse abuses of the Latin (and foam) fled from the corners of their mouths, in a glorious tribute. These exhibitions quickly bled into the usual licksplittle Senate oratory, although no layperson could determine when the first ended and the second began. Afterwards, the Senators retreated to the golden palace to gorge themselves on crocodiles and dormice, and to cry bitter tears, and to sing extremely vulgar songs. That night the priests offered up their first prayers to the god Mad Hatter, and it is said to this day that their cries during the Satyrian rites kept good Roman maidens writhing with anxiety long into the night. Meanwhile, Onideus Mad Hatter stood befuddled before the hosts of hell. Above him floated several of the gods who could be bothered, some of which were urinating on him. "lolz tarded meanies i make perfect liquid web site!" said the deceased Emperor, shaking his glutinous fists. "Land o'Goshen! Not this imbecile!" shrieked Mercury, swiring a thousand times around Onideus Mad Hatter as he spoke, and pantsing him a thousand and one times. "I thought Claudius was the tops, but Lordy, this beats all!" "mortals worship me you lil fucktars! your mom is ugly" Mars threw off the skin of the Egyptian he was wearing and bore numerous eternally-bleeding gashes to the late Emperor. Enormous amounts of divine goop fell forthwith onto the Hatter. "Yooooou backdoor-bumping grandpa-gooing fruit!" shouted Mars, rocking the house. "Whoooo gave you permission to crawl out your momma's cunt? Get on the floor and give me a billion!" "cmon stop it i am the father of modern ares now bow and warship" With a few zaps of Mars's Power Ring, Onideus Mad Hatter frittered and fried like an Oriental shish-ke-bob. It really hurt. Slowly he performed three pushups before falling on his face. "ah guys i can join ur club i practically founded it you lil tards" he muttered, chin to the ground. "Onideus Mad Hatter, did I not speak to the Oracles at Delphi at your birth?" cooed Juno. "Didn't we explain in Doric rhyme that we didn't want your lardass in heaven?" "leme bed you juno it's not to much of a strhecth to say i'm rly rly hot rorlz" "Talk to the hand!" Juno shouted, throwing her kryptonite tiara at the former Emperor. It struck him on the brow and left an enormous lump. "ouch cum on we cood be a couple lol gime a cascade fusion constelation or somtin" With a quick wink and a nod of her head, Juno put her finger to her nose and ascended up to Mount Olympus. "Yoooooou'd have been better off a panty-stain!" shouted Mars, turning his eyes to look up Juno's stola. Onideus Mad Hatter wet himself and whined. "hay guys the cenatte made me a god!" His complaint did not stop the rain of urine and insults from above. There was a wet swishing noise, and then another, this one from the river Styx instead of the Hatter's diaper. While the ferry was still some distance away, they could hear Charon moaning. "So you're the sorry corpse?" said Charon as he drew nearer. "Shit, I hate my job. Got the toll?" "i destroy newsgrops!" "The ferry-toll. Got it?" "leme design ur web sight for teh tol!" Charon covered his face. The remaining Olympian gods, wanting nothing to do with this, pirouetted away to heaven to french-kiss Virgil and mix things up in the mortal realms. The newly pumpkinified god-emperor Onideus Mad Hatter, most cultured man on or under the earth, on the other hand, just relaxed his bowels and happily rotted in his own feces. |
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